Something to say

… About my written words

Sometime in 2013, tired of stalling and wondering “what if…” I scratched my meager earnings from my service year into a humble sum, soaked garri for a couple of weeks and published my first book (kindda like a trial run).
Seeing my name on hardcover alongside an ISBN was a kaleidoscope of emotions that still bring a happy jiggle to my feet.

On the other end of my joy to my amusement, were the reactions I got from my friends...

Say I told a hundred friends about said achievement, 5 from the 100 not only shared in my joy but also surprisingly paid double the amount I told them I was selling the book for. 3 forced me to collect money saying they knew I wasn’t working so I needed the money if not for myself then to aid in the publication of another book. 22 insisted I send copies to them via DHL, speedpost and public transport without a hint of money for either the book or its movement. I struggled to do this knowing fully well I couldn’t afford it. At the end of the day after getting too broke to continue this work of charity, I took to smiling and waving when asked about my book. Till date the remaining 70 are mad at me for not making the book available to them.

In response to this episode, I will start by apologizing to the 70 people I did not respond to. I promise to do a double book launch within the next 3 years and make whatever I produce available throughout the country and even beyond our terror lined Nigerian borders.
Truthfully speaking, I began the process but along the way I realized my feet looked pretty when they were off the ground and on the same level with my cherry bum ‘laziness na winch’ .

… About my life

I have been wearing braces for close to 4 years now.
Things I liked to do with my teeth like cracking chicken bone until it broke and released its nice juicy marrow, opening multiple bottle tops and attempting to bite people who stick their fingers in my face (I was never quite successful though) I had to stop doing because for every bracket I broke at the time, I had to pay N 4,000 for its replacement then deal with a pissed off dentist as well.

Once when asked about my best feature, without thinking I would say my smile.

I have been without this smile and refuse to accept this loss for so long that I cannot honestly answer that question anymore.

The point of these ramblings now is that I was asked if given the chance to go back in time to stop my younger self from making that first trip to the dentist I’d take it. To my surprise and that of the curious mind, after a moments thought, I said “No.” the thing is, as horrible as I feel on occasion when I have to rip apart or delete a really nice picture because I forgot to close my mouth and ended up looking like the abomination between a zombie and the original vampires, thanks to my missing smile, I have been on adventures and trips I wouldn’t trade for anything.
I like the way my life turned out.
I have learned lessons, gotten education met amazing people and mixed with cultures that I ordinarily would have missed.
So, dear concerned family and friends, quit asking me when they’d come off. When they go, they go (you’d probably notice me walking around with a chicken bone in my mouth again). Besides, no be me put them there to start with, I’m no dentist!

… About world people

World people are men and women who would be great but for the fact that they decide to stop living. They spend valuable hours getting involved in other people’s life, monitoring their movements while waiting to bend mouth and spread the latest “news” that does not concern them.

Last month a great woman who made an impact on my life through her written words died age 86.

photo credit: abagond.wordpress.com


I was pretty upset. My mother called to console me. Aside from mentally being sad, I put up her picture on my blackberry messenger, had a tiny fire and the words ‘rest in peace’.
As time passed, I removed the picture and later, the words. Now, it’s only the little fire burning that remains.
Its doesn’t mean her passing is less painful, its just that life happened.
There is no particular rule to life.
The basic thing is I live it! I don’t sit around waiting for all good things to come my way I reach for it and grab it.
So to the few remaining people who cross their legs, sit dead on their high and mighty thrones playing supreme Lord passing judgment on others without knowing what they are going through while wondering what they have done to deserve the horrible horrible things that come their way, I suggest you quit being a corpse and start living.

The End.

Bottoms up!

"How do I love thee? Let me count the ways..." ~ Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1806 – 1861)

This poem written about a hundred years ago is one of my favorites.
It is believed to have been written by a lady poet for her darling *hubby*.

How romantic!

Love is a beautiful thing. Even more so when after being born alone, you go about life’s processes in solitude wandering each day, searching for that special one to fill an imaginary vacuum and if he will ever be found.
He is special because he completes, enhances and makes you more than you ever imagined you could be. He is the wind beneath your wings, your partner in crime, champion and best friend.

He is the love of my life.

Unfortunately, some people loose patience and go for just about anybody.
That doesn’t always quite turn out nicely… These unlucky souls endure all sorts of abuse, develop a foreign character and end up cold, jaded and prejudiced.

Fortunately, today its not ‘man and woman’ matter I’m on about. It is a different kind of love.

Today I felt a beckoning warm glow, an attraction towards a darkness that felt so right its hard to admit it was wrong - devilish even.
I actually saw myself embrace ‘peace’ induced by death and a soothing voice cheering me on “just do it Oseyi” it urged “one sip and all your troubles are gone” it promised.
Backed by the feeling that I had nothing to loose this 'voice' appeared to be the voice of reason.

You see although we celebrate love; Valentine’s Day, weddings and anniversaries, there is a type of love we feel at some point (hopefully forever) but tend to take for granted.

A mother’s love.

It’s a security pass, a ‘get out of jail free’ card, a confidence booster, a soft cushion… a blanket.
A feeling that protects and shields us against whatever life throws at us.
We fall we get up.
We know were we came from and where we are headed so “no shaking”.

“Monkey no fine yet im mama still like am” a saying repeated often in jest but still manages to hold truth.
Show me a child who doesn’t love her mother and I’d show you a human with real shitty issues.
With that in mind, what happens when said beloved mother takes her love from you is a feeling best left to the imagination.
Impossible to happen in reality, I know but the thought that it could happen is worse than anything I can put to words.

On this day 21st February 2014 I say a prayer with you not for riches or fame but as a future parent. On my knees and praying to God, I pray that I may never be a source of despair or heartache to my children. To bring them up to be independent, responsible, just and smart and should they fall along the way, my shoulders be strong enough to pull their weight until walk again, they can.

To all mothers, grandmothers and great-grandmothers.
I celebrate you!
For your unfailing strength, patience and prayers. I appreciate you. If not for anything else but for the pure unadulterated love you give without condition.

Thank you.

Turn it Up!/Belated Happy New Year

There's this native proverb that translates to "as long as its the first time you are seeing a friend in the year even though it is on the last day the of the last month of the year in question, it is proper to greet them by saying - Happy New Year" with that in mind and feeling rather pleased with myself for remembering to do this while the year is still young, I holler a big and cheerful "Happy New Year!!!" to friends, family and fans who are alive and able to read this post.
May this year be one of fulfillment, accomplishment and victories for you.

Walking along the road and cursing the bitter weather, I often wish I had my PC on hand to nag/whine/grumble about how wicked the weather is being and my suspicion that earth has a personal vendetta for me.
What I have done to offend it?
I cannot say.
I know that complaining about the weather would not make it any more bearable but then again wouldn't it?

Based on the marked absence of my once traditional "*Christmas Mangoes" it is safe to say that there is really something up with the weather.

In school between doodling around the edges of my notebook during lectures and willing the time to move faster so I could make it in at the precise moment to eat hot jollof rice with fried plantain/moi-moi and goat meat at Main Gate Restaurant (going too early gets you the tasteless potty-like top of the pot of rice, while going too late gets pieces of fat/bone pretending to be goat meat on your plate of rice often times minus the plantain) a particular discussion caught my attention.
The lecturer was talking about Greenhouse gases, the pros and the cons.
At the moment, I can't recall the precise details of the lecture or what brought about that discussion but what I do recall is that Greenhouse gases was fingered to be reason behind the missing mangoes.
Before I get carried away and go on and on about what other fruits might have gone missing or changed their delivery dates, it occurs to me that persons who were not in that particular lecture with me might still be stuck on “Greenhouse gases” and wondering how a curious green house and probably cooking gas are responsible for missing mangoes or worse be considering that a man named Greenhouse proposed a theory of Gases.

I’d spare your amazing brains the trouble of wandering off to wherever in search of an answer by giving what I believe is a layman’s take.

Greenhouse gases combine to form a nice fuzzy blanket around the earth that allows just enough sunlight to get to us so the planet can be nice and warm. Without the greenhouse gases, earth would be a very cold planet. With this nice greenhouse “blanket” present, when the suns gives off energy, even though the it is miles away, the earth is able to retain just heat to keep us warm while the excess heat goes back to the atmosphere.
Greenhouse gases occur naturally which now seems to be a problem for us because we humans are creating more green house gases than is needed (it’s like feeling a little cold and deciding to sleep on a water heater - something you should never ever consider doing between) because not enough heat is leaving the planet while more heat is being accepted from the sun it is getting quite hot in here! As a result, we are witnessing effects of greenhouse gases and global warming. We have floods, lands drying up, some animals dying out, change in seasons (no more mangoes in December) and so on.

Before we have another ice age, evolution, or whatever, it would be a good idea to begin to nag/whine/grumble about the weather so that more people get concerned, ask questions find solutions and practice ways to reduce production of greenhouse gases plus save energy (long story).
On the long run, who knows maybe 10 years from now, I can get my Christmas mangoes in December and see if I am still daring enough to eat more than I know I should at one go.
Until then, welcome to the year twenty-fourteen.
Cheers!

*wink*wink*





*Four to six years ago during Christmas period and early January in my village, I would make myself sick by eating too much mangoes fresh off the trees a pleasurable experience I believed was worth the pain afterwards.

On my life, for my children

Just like that (snaps fingers) November ended with me drooling over Men in Gray.
My watch says Monday December 2 but it could be wrong. Since when do watches give the date? Last I heard, they told time.
Then again with all these modernization, cashless policies and what's not going on in Nigeria it really shouldn't come as a surprise if watches now serve as POS machines after all, most atm's in PH don't work, I keep curbing the urge to throw confetti and drapes around them and call them my work of art. Hmm... Graffiti is an idea.
Speaking of cashless Nigeria. I'd tell a tale of how Nigeria's cashlessness did not save my life (or come close to resembling life saving).
This tale begun on sunday with me feeling peevish and missing check-in by 3minutes.
As it happened, there were about 20 of us in the same boat as well. (Kinda makes you wonder how many people were on the flight) while we stood in front of the ticketing office for the 5th hour appealing, pleading and seeking ways to make the next flight about 13 tickets appeared for the next flight and were magically disappearing beneath our noses.

The saga of the day is something that'd make for a classic movie with the end credits revealing "Alejandro" riding off towards the sunset on his stallion with the fingers of the alluring "Sophia" daintily fastened around his impressive waist. Sadly the script didn't end that way.
It continued...
The day after found more people, human beings to be precise kneeling down in front of the ticketing agent for the same airline company. One person that got me really troubled was a mother with her children. She knelt down while her children stood looking forlorn behind her. The flight was delayed by 30minutes, she was still up to one hour early, she had checked in online yet she was refused a boarding pass.
As I watched the tears trail down the lady's cheeks the rule that the customer is king flashed and burned in my minds eye.
Okay in my case I admit I was wrong. I should have left the house about 5 hours before the time (like I did today because I have nothing else to do with my life but to come and sit in the airport all day for a 45 minutes flight - add 2 hours to that and I'd be snugly in bed in Lagos if I traveled by road) but come on! To make grown men and women grovel and beg before they are given boarding pass for a flight they paid for with their hard earned cash?
"Me thinks something is seriously wrong".
Oh in that classic movie I was talking about, the twist would be from the people selling tickets for twice the price behind the ticketing office, people(human beings) with police escorts traipsing in 20 minutes after the boarding gate has been closed and the general bullying of the little people.

At this point, it is safe to wonder when the cashless story would begin.