Showing posts with label resolutions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label resolutions. Show all posts

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Pressing desire



The weather was wickedly cold!

The initial plan was to take a leisurely stroll on one of the muddy pothole infested roads which usually run through the streets and freeways of Nigeria but it soon turned to a game of "hopscotch" as I commenced hopping from one foot to the other playing virtual hopscotch with the “ankle twisters” aka potholes while trying to dodge dirty splashes from tire’s hastily meeting puddles as mobile road users meandered blindly through imaginary traffic in a bid to get… home?
Like though some invincible trainer slash coach was not impressed by my sudden athletic prowess as displayed in the impromptu workout session I was having, he decided to intensify my session. I was next presented with the curious task of finding “proper” sites to direct my gaze to as first one then another car parked in front of me to let out frantic male occupants who were in quite a rush to answer “natures call”.
It seemed like every twelve steps I took summoned both car and driver from nowhere, compelled them to divert from their initial destination and pee at my feet.
When the third car repeated this routine and presented not two but four occupants (all male), I had to stop, look about and survey my surroundings in case there was a sign or banner of sorts I failed to notice earlier.

Where I was coming from or going to on that wickedly cold day in June is something I hope to discuss some other day but for now, it is a hush-hush affair *wink*.
Before I keep mum, I’d ask no one in particular the following question:
Why it is okay for a man to whip out his “willy” when the urge rises and take a piss anywhere in public and not be judged whereas a woman discovered in a compromising position (say standing in a squat with legs apart – one slightly ahead of the other, skirts raised to a decent height with the fingers of her right and left hands lost somewhere between the folds of her dress) going about her business is frowned upon and in some places called dirty? Why cant what holds true for "Peter" not be applied for "Paul" (or Pauline in this case)?

Word of the day:

Toi·let!

pronounced /ˈtoilit/
Noun
A large bowl for urinating or defecating into, typically plumbed into a sewage system and with a flushing mechanism.

Get it?



Surprise – surprise! We are in the month of June, 6 months down the chute.

By this time in December (last year) the trending topic was “new year resolutions”, attitude and mantras for “twenty taa-teen” (2013).

Question:

a) Did you make resolutions last year?
b) Do you remember your resolutions?
c) How many have you accomplished and
d) What is holding you back from the rest?

I remember my TO DO LIST

I’d like to believe I’ve done 2 out of 4 *clears throat* which is quite fair based on the fact that I still have 6 months to get to the remaining 2 but then again, who am I deceiving?

Earlier this evening, I hurried past a man and his ram out for walk in the market in a bid to get a handsome bunch of plantain for myself before the “night shoppers” got to it.
The first thought that occurred to me was “is this the same man that had the goat from last week” the next thought was “is he happy?” I did not stop to deliberate on these musings, I had a mission to accomplish.

As I made my way home victoriously swinging my cute fingers of plantain snugly settled in the nylon bag the nice lady had sold them in, I thought of my resolutions for 2013 and wondered…

Saturday, April 6, 2013

What's Myne (Part 3)


Baba Igho refused to rise he stretched his battered body on the ground and pulled his tattered clothes about him.
“Go away Akpos." He urged. "You have served me well and long. At this day and age, it is hard to believe I came across a man of your caliber. Whatever debt you feel you owe, I release you of them. If I had riches, I would have showered you with gold, coins and ornaments but I have nothing to offer. I have lost it all to pride and bad judgement. Akpos my friend, I will not let you loose your life for my sake. Leave while you have the advantage of youth. Learn from my mistakes, that of my daughters and their spouses. Be a better leader, landlord, father; a better person.”
Akpos squatted beside him, stretched the sleeve of his shirt and used it to mop Baba Igho’s weary forehead.
“Sir, I have learned a lot in the many days we have spent on the road. I am better for it. For the lessons, I am grateful. However, if I were to leave you lying on the road to die like a brigand, I will not be better than your daughters who have abandoned you in your time of need." He dropped his hand and leaned on his haunches. "Let me take you to your home and see that you are as comfortable as I can manage. Afterwards, I will leave you to your fate and go make a life for myself.”
Baba Igho considered his proposal for a while then agreed to his terms.
He let Akpos assist him to stand.

They continued the journey.

By day, they walked in the heat of the sun feeding on fruits and seeds.
At night, they rested. Setting up camp in the shade of trees with makeshift tents.
Days flowed into nights and nights to day.
Through the bone chilling rains, blistering cold and scorching heat, they continued to forge ahead.

Finally, they reached his estate.

When they drew near to the shack that had become his home, an elegantly dressed lady seated in front and watching the road let out a happy squeal and came running towards them.
She stopped in front of Baba Igho, threw her arms around his neck and folded him in a warm embrace.
In a little while, streaks of tears started to line her face.
Perplexed, Akpos tried pulling her away but she resisted. “Madam, this man is sick and he is quite dirty as well, come away from him, or your lovely clothes would be ruined."
As an after thought, he added. "He could also make you sick.”
She resisted his pull, held fast to Baba Igho and continued to shake with tears.
Akpos inched away certain the lady had lost her mind.

He began searching for a rope or bond of sorts with which to bind her for a little while (at least until her minder came in search of her).
He drifted to the side of the shack and stopped short at sight before him.
There was a mansion about a stones throw from the shack.

It was not there when they set out in search of the daughters.

The house glistered in the sun, flowers were budding in the little garden in front and he could hear laughter emanating from within.

The land looked like it was slowly awakening from a bad dream.

The curtains in one of the windows of the house moved and caught his attention.
There was a little girl behind the glass.
When she spotted him, she yelled with glee.
She disappeared from the window and reappeared at the door after a little while.
Running out of the house on little feet that appeared too big for the rest of her body, she bounded towards him and threw herself on his leg. She wrapped her chubby hands around him and gave him a hug.

Half dragging, half pulling him, she led him to Baba Igho and the lady. Bouncing up and down in excitement, she chanted. “You found him! You found him!” confused, he asked. “Found who?”

Baba Igho peeled the lady from his body and held her at arms length.
With a questioning look and a dare to hope, he queried.
“Mine?”
she looked into his eyes, smiled and nodded.
“Yes Father it is I, your daughter."
He let out a gasp.
"Not one day passed that I have not thought of you.”
She stroked the side of his face and blinked back tears that threatened to fall out.
“My husband, the sickly child of the bent lady got very ill, I could not leave his side. He was a good man, intelligent and kind. You would have liked him. The seeds you gave to mother, we planted, harvested and sold for huge profits. With the money we planned a future, invested and built a home. We have all we could want for but my husband is no more. His body was too weak to bear the strain of living. After making me promise to always be happy, he passed away. We have been looking for you ever since. Myself, your grandchildren and” she giggled. “ The bent old woman!”

Baba Igho shook his head in disbelief and stammered.
“But - but you do not love me.”
“Father." She urged. "I remember telling you I loved you as much as my duties required. I never said I did not love you.”
As understanding dawned on him, she continued. “ Father dearest, my duty is to love you until I take my last breath. To honor you, obey you and make a worthwhile life for myself. To do the right thing always, bring up honest children and teach them how to love. Most importantly, my duty is to be your daughter.”
She let out a winsome smile, took his hands and covered his shriveled palms with hers.
“ Father you carried me when I was a helpless baby and taught me to walk, laugh and sing. Please, let me be your daughter and your joy in old age.”
Myne led her father into the house she had prepared in his absence, washed him and nursed him till his health returned.

Akpos followed them.

Struck by Myne’s grace and beauty, he did not leave as promised. In time, he built the nerve to ask her to be his wife (she said yes!).

One by one, her sisters returned home (Myne saw to it).

Working together, they restored the land to its former glory. It prospered and was fruitful. In time, the tenants returned.

With each of the daughters finding happiness in honesty, respect for the land and love of their neighbor, they became better women.


Kiki got married again! To a politician whose word was his bond. Together, they built a formidable empire backed by the unwavering loyalty of the people.

Zizi ‘s footballer husband lost a leg, he came crawling back and demanded to be reconciled with her.
She turned him down and had a career. juggling being a teacher with being a makeup artist, she starred in another story.

Mimi and her husband went for anger management therapy and rehab. They learned the importance of communication and both agreed to seek counseling if ever their marriage seemed to be hitting the rocks (they were blessed with two children).

Once upon a time, there lived a great man. He was wealthy and powerful and his estate fertile and vast. His lands begun from the banks of a river and continued up stream to form a huge city.
His was a fair businessman and was good to his tenants.
His greatest assets were his children.

Successful, relevant and kind, his four beautiful daughters were the fairest in the land.
They loved their father to the moon, back and beyond and took care of him in his old age.

There was Justice, Peace and Prosperity in the land.
They worked for it, just like we all should.

…. And they lived happily ever after, the end!

Friday, January 4, 2013

Black Birds


I was seated in this guy’s car, he happens to be someone that often makes me go: “Oseyi, your brain dey touch so? See correct bush meat for front you dey carry torchlight look bush” (aka gaga) but not for long though because I know him and me will never happen.
He’s cool, cute and smart (perfect combination for a heart breaker if you ask me).
While we were trying to ignore the fact that we were alone in a dark place and “no one was watching” should we decide to try out “interesting stuff” his phone rang.
It was his girlfriend.
After it rang unanswered for about the hundredth and twenty first time, I begged him to pick and swore I’d be quieter than the progress the Nigerian government is making in improving living conditions of the common man.
Not trusting my solemn vow (I wonder why) he picked the call and told her he was driving presently, he could not talk.
He promised to call her as soon as he was parked and reminded her of how much he loved her (so much for our moment) and blah- blah.
Night came, morning came and it was another day.
This event would have faded out of my memory in its own good time if not for the mad déjà vu I got when barley 24hrs later, I called the love of my life (he isn’t aware of this status by the way) and he told me he was driving and could not talk…

By my count, today is the 11th day of Christmas.
I have always known the song 12 days of Christmas but I assumed it was just something made up to give more children important roles like “gold rings”, “calling birds” and “turtle doves” to play.
It turns out the 12 days of Christmas does exist or a controversy surrounding the days anyway.
Since there is no concrete evidence to prove or disprove each school of thought, I’d follow the lead of theological scholars and leave you to decide for yourself.
With all the assorted birds flying around, leaping lords and milking maids, it would be easier to believe that the song is really about two lovers, a man showering his love with gifts and finally after she accepts his proposal, a wedding huge wedding (see: pipers playing).
The “calling birds” which turn out to be collie birds aka crows, seem to have been a delicacy at that time (they appeared in pies as well)

also the gold rings ( The five gold rings of the song were originally five ring-necked pheasants, not jewelry).
With so much reference to fertility and merry making, the link with paganism might not be too far fetched (apples represented females and pear’s: well endowed males).
Remember how GEJ used D’banj as part of his campaign strategy to make himself more popular with the erm… kokolets?
The Christians did something like that as well (not with D’banj though) they took the traditional pagan festivals and replaced them with Christian one’s.
It is told that in the 16th century, Christians where persecuted for teaching, speaking or even thinking Christianity so a couple of families together with Jesuits (smart people by the way) encoded the Christian doctrine in a seemingly innocent children’s song which they could sing openly without fear of arrest.

A partridge in a pear tree: Jesus (Luke 13:34)

Two turtle doves: The Old and New Testaments (which together bear witness to God's self-revelation in history and the creation of a people to tell the Story of God to the world).

Three French hens: The three Biblical magi and/or The Three Theological Virtues: Faith, Hope, and Love (1 Corinthians 13:13)

Four calling birds: The four Gospels Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, which proclaim the Good News of God's reconciliation of the world to Himself in Jesus Christ.

Five gold rings: The Torah or Pentateuch, the first five books of the Old Testament

Six geese a-laying: The six days of Creation

Seven swans a-swimming: Seven gifts of the Holy Spirit (Romans 12:6-8; cf. 1 Corinthians 12:8-11)

Eight maids a-milking: The eight Beatitudes (Matthew 5:3-10)

Nine ladies dancing: Nine fruits of the Holy Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23)

Ten lords a-leaping: The Ten Commandments. (Exodus 20:1-17)
Eleven pipers piping: The eleven faithful Apostles (Luke 6:14-16).

Twelve drummers drumming: The twelve points of the Apostles' Creed

No matter the myth, legend or source, it remains that as the Easter season begins on Easter Sunday and goes on for 50 days so also does the Christmas season which starts on Christmas Day, December 25th (the birth of Jesus) and ends at the Epiphany, January 6th *the day Christians celebrate the arrival of the Magi (Wise Men) and the revelation of Christ as the light of the world.
Twelfth Night is defined by the Oxford English Dictionary as "the evening of the fifth of January, preceding Twelfth Day, the eve of the Epiphany, formerly the last day of the Christmas festivities and observed as a time of merrymaking."

In the spirit of Christmas, I bring you my top Santa sightings in the year 2012.
I am guessing Rudolph et al were too drunk to fly
What happened afterwards is best left to the imagination
Santa and his not so little helpers
Introducing... Mrs Claus (his Nigerian secret wife)!!
Santa always delivers!
...and then this little girl became overwhelmed by Santa's allure (note the tears of joy)
Santa, always a helping hand!
Seriously, whats not to love about this Santa?!

* For enquires to the criteria for rating, leave a comment!

Thanks to the now more secular society, the hunt for the next money making venture, shows and awesome discounts to lure "holiday shoppers", Christmas of late begins in November (and sometimes as early as October) and goes on all through early December so by the time December 25th (Christmas day) really does come, most of us have forgotten the true Christmas message and the spirit that goes along with it.

Tomorrow is the last day of Christmas, 2012 was a year of growth heralding great expectations for 2013.
My final toast is to the people who will get tired of the Nigerian "suffering and smiling" mentality and do something about it.

Merry Christmas every one and Happy New Year!