Friday, June 21, 2013

The thing with NEP – daz All


Coming and going these several seasons,
Do stay out on the baobab tree,
Follow where you please your kindred spirits
If indoors is not enough for you.
Abiku, J. P. Clark.



“The Central Bank of Nigeria remains positive that by December 2013 all traces of the polymer Naira notes will be pulled out of circulation. The increasing cost of printing on polymer and the rate at which the inscriptions on the polymer notes faded where part of what led to this decision. However, the cashless policy still holds.”
- Oluyole fm, Ibadan.


My thoughts on the above wise decision by the Central Bank of Nigeria?

“ You don’t say?!” *sarcastically shocked face*

Considering this development, I’m guessing my nephew will have to break his piggy turtle bank I spent love, valuable time and energy making for him way before Christmas.

Question:
What is the point of teaching an impressionable young child how to save with money that does not serve as a store of value?

There I was thinking since Airtel (nee Zain, nee Vmobile, nee Econet, nee *Buddie1?) had seemingly decided on a name that worked, our policy makers will follow suit and divert their attention from making our “legal tender” look pretty and decide to face more important issues like say: constant power supply in Nigeria, vehicle worthy Roads and standardized living for her citizens.
How can I honestly tell a child to “think about the repercussions of your decisions before you act” when the oga at the top; my beloved President and his dear members of Cabinet "okay" decisions to spend tax payers money on lousy whims – flowery number plates, tokunbo airplanes, government proceedings that resemble play dates from hell and my fear slash distrust of uniformed men? Or, could it be possible that my democratic leader is not aware of these occurrences we lament about?

How about that promised breath of fresh air?

I seriously need a whiff!

Speaking of fresh air and promises, it is with great pleasure that I announce to no one in particular that with respect to putting my money where my mouth is, I am keeping one of mine!
I finally decided to dash-dash-dash-dash *dramatic pause* dash! So, I went to see dash-dash-dash and was told dash-dashdash-dash. So now, with my fingers crossed (while rooting for Melvin Oduah in BBA the Chase on the side – although sadly I haven’t seen any episode of the movement) I await the decision of dash.

Yeay me!

Today is Friday, June 21, 2013 the last day of the regular working week. A time to unwind – put up your feet and let down your hair (for those who still have hair).
The mood is perfect for music, love, *magic2 and all other things that fall between!
My dear Prince Charming, have you come or will you come again? How do I know it is you? What markings do you wear?



*1. The Buddie name sounds familiar but I have doubts based on its authenticity.
*2. Magic could also cover that drunken moment when believing you are Whitney Houston or James Brown, you climb up the stage/table top/chair and belt out a tuneless love song to the object of your desire certain that he or she was bound to fall in love.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Pressing desire



The weather was wickedly cold!

The initial plan was to take a leisurely stroll on one of the muddy pothole infested roads which usually run through the streets and freeways of Nigeria but it soon turned to a game of "hopscotch" as I commenced hopping from one foot to the other playing virtual hopscotch with the “ankle twisters” aka potholes while trying to dodge dirty splashes from tire’s hastily meeting puddles as mobile road users meandered blindly through imaginary traffic in a bid to get… home?
Like though some invincible trainer slash coach was not impressed by my sudden athletic prowess as displayed in the impromptu workout session I was having, he decided to intensify my session. I was next presented with the curious task of finding “proper” sites to direct my gaze to as first one then another car parked in front of me to let out frantic male occupants who were in quite a rush to answer “natures call”.
It seemed like every twelve steps I took summoned both car and driver from nowhere, compelled them to divert from their initial destination and pee at my feet.
When the third car repeated this routine and presented not two but four occupants (all male), I had to stop, look about and survey my surroundings in case there was a sign or banner of sorts I failed to notice earlier.

Where I was coming from or going to on that wickedly cold day in June is something I hope to discuss some other day but for now, it is a hush-hush affair *wink*.
Before I keep mum, I’d ask no one in particular the following question:
Why it is okay for a man to whip out his “willy” when the urge rises and take a piss anywhere in public and not be judged whereas a woman discovered in a compromising position (say standing in a squat with legs apart – one slightly ahead of the other, skirts raised to a decent height with the fingers of her right and left hands lost somewhere between the folds of her dress) going about her business is frowned upon and in some places called dirty? Why cant what holds true for "Peter" not be applied for "Paul" (or Pauline in this case)?

Word of the day:

Toi·let!

pronounced /ˈtoilit/
Noun
A large bowl for urinating or defecating into, typically plumbed into a sewage system and with a flushing mechanism.

Get it?



Surprise – surprise! We are in the month of June, 6 months down the chute.

By this time in December (last year) the trending topic was “new year resolutions”, attitude and mantras for “twenty taa-teen” (2013).

Question:

a) Did you make resolutions last year?
b) Do you remember your resolutions?
c) How many have you accomplished and
d) What is holding you back from the rest?

I remember my TO DO LIST

I’d like to believe I’ve done 2 out of 4 *clears throat* which is quite fair based on the fact that I still have 6 months to get to the remaining 2 but then again, who am I deceiving?

Earlier this evening, I hurried past a man and his ram out for walk in the market in a bid to get a handsome bunch of plantain for myself before the “night shoppers” got to it.
The first thought that occurred to me was “is this the same man that had the goat from last week” the next thought was “is he happy?” I did not stop to deliberate on these musings, I had a mission to accomplish.

As I made my way home victoriously swinging my cute fingers of plantain snugly settled in the nylon bag the nice lady had sold them in, I thought of my resolutions for 2013 and wondered…

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Breath of life




After spending over 6 months in this particular state in Nigeria, I am yet to adapt to the sight of apparent females draped from head to toe in black satin (cotton and or silk) veils with tiny peepholes towards the head region in front for them to look through. Living next door to a market, I have a personal rule of not buying items from people whose faces I cannot see no matter how badly I need said “stuff”.
Tolerance and understanding is a good thing but trust for a “service provider” is important as well.
Although I would like to talk about how cute I think it is when I happen across a man and his goat taking a leisurely stroll in the street, I restrain myself because this post is about something else, it is about a date gone bad thanks to…

Halitosis

Halitosis aka bad breath, morning breath and breath odor are terms used to describe a noticeably unpleasant odor exhaled on the breath.
It is something people (take for example me) are not usually comfortable talking about which individuals may never notice on their own.
Many people have bad breath. It could be only for a short period for some or persistent for others.

How to find out if you have bad breath: 
Lick the inside of your wrist and wait for the saliva to dry. If the area you licked smells really unpleasant, it is likely that your breath does too (test should be done preferably when you are alone as dogs and cats are the only mammals presently allowed to publicly lick themselves).

The different factors that affect breath include:
1. Negligent brush to mouth relationship: the gums and tongue and not the teeth cause bad breath so when these areas are left out in the daily routine, bad things are bound to brew.
2. Xerostomia: (big word for dry mouth *wink*) When the mouth is dry, saliva production decreases leaving the mouth’s natural ability to clean itself impaired. Saliva acts the mouth’s natural mouthwash, neutralizing acids produced by plaque and washing away dead cells that accumulate on the tongue, gums, and cheeks. If not removed, these cells decompose and can cause bad breath.
Dry mouth may be caused by alcohol consumption, side effects of certain medications, salivary gland problems, or continuous breathing through the mouth instead of the nose.

3. Diet: from basic biology, we know that digestion begins in the mouth. As foods are digested and absorbed into the blood stream, they are eventually carried to the lungs and given off in the breath (worse is when someone burps close to my face!) Foods with strong odors such as onion and garlic will not go away (even after brushing and using mouthwash) until digestion is complete. Smoking or chewing tobacco-based products can also cause bad breathe, stain teeth, reduce the ability to taste foods and irritate the gums (Moral? Quit smoking).
4. Health: bad breath can be sign of an underlying medical condition of the stomach, lungs and bloodstream.

How to treat halitosis:

1. Brush at least twice a day — after breakfast and before bedtime. Brushing the teeth before going to bed drastically reduces the early morning “smelly mouth”. After every meal, rinse the mouth thoroughly to remove food particles from the mouth and if possible, brush the teeth as well.
When brushing your teeth, do not forget the tongue and gums.
Teeth: brush all teeth, not just the front ones. Be sure to brush along the sides and in the back.

Tongue: use toothbrush, the edge of a spoon, or a tongue cleaner to "scrape" your tongue.

Gums: brush the gums lightly with or without toothpaste in small circles with the bristles pointing up towards the gum line at a 45 degree angle for the top, and down at the same angle for the bottom.

As a couple of my friends still do not get why often times they end up being dragged along with me as I scurry through the aisle from one supermarket to the other in search of “my toothbrush”, I’d post a little essay I copied off “ToothbrushSubscriptions.com” about toothbrush bristles and their uses.
There are basically 4 types of (natural or synthetic) toothbrush bristles:

Hard Bristles: The hard bristle toothbrush is typically meant for a mouth containing large, sturdier gums and teeth. The reason many people choose hard-bristle toothbrushes is because they think it will do a better job of cleaning. That, of course, isn’t necessarily true. While it can help those with significant dental issues, hard bristles can lead to bleeding or sore gums and the deterioration of tooth enamel. Furthermore, the damage hard bristles can cause can be very painful. Those who use hard bristle toothbrushes should avoid brushing too hard and should exercise caution.

Medium Bristles: Medium bristles aren’t for everyone. Those with a healthy mouth and teeth that are in good condition may prefer these types of bristles. Medium bristles have some flexibility and can thoroughly clean a patient’s mouth if good brushing techniques are used. However, a patient with sensitive teeth and gums or with mouth sores should avoid these bristles. Like hard bristles, medium bristles can cause bleeding, swelling of the gums, deterioration of tooth enamel and other types of dental pain.

Soft Bristles: Most dentists, as well as the ADA, recommend using a toothbrush with soft bristles. This type of toothbrush has flexible bristles and is easier on the enamel and gums. When you use a toothbrush with soft, flexible bristles, you are able to reach the little nooks and crannies easier than some of its harder counterparts.

Extra-Soft Bristles: These types of bristles are best-suited for patients with extremely sensitive gums and teeth. Elderly patients and children typically use extra-soft bristles. These bristles help children maintain healthy teeth while learning good oral hygiene practices. Soft bristles also help elderly patients who have extremely sensitive teeth.
To prevent bacterial from growing on the bristles, you should always rinse off excess residue after using your toothbrush.

When it comes to storage, your toothbrush should be placed in an upright position and allowed to air-dry. If there is more than one toothbrush, you should store the toothbrushes separately so that they are not touching. Additionally, you should avoid storing your toothbrush in an enclosed case, as bacteria can grow in moist spaces.

To further promote the health of a toothbrush, you can disinfect the toothbrush by soaking it in mouthwash or other types of solutions. If you buy a solution, make sure that it sanitizes the toothbrush and prevents bacteria from growing.


2. If your mouth is dry, drink plenty of water. This will keep your mouth moist - try swooshing it around in your mouth for at least twenty seconds to loosen any food particles bacteria can feed upon. Quit smoking. Tar and nicotine can build up on the surface of the teeth, tongue and cheeks. It can also dry the mouth and inhibit saliva flow. Avoid breath mints and mouthwashes that contain alcohol. They temporarily cover the smell of bad breath but tend to dry the mouth. Rather, go for "alcohol free" products. Chew sugarless gum or suck on sugarless lozenges to increase the flow of saliva. Opt for gums with cinnamon and sweetened with xylitol. While xylitol is a sugar substitute that actually works to prevent bacteria from replicating in the mouth cinnamon flavored gum seems to be especially effective in reducing bacteria counts.

3. Most mouth odors comes from food particles trapped in our mouths. When food remains in the mouth for long, it becomes a breeding ground for bacteria causing bad breath. Avoid eating foods that can affect the breath just before going out (erm... garlic?)
Chlorophyll (think green plants) is a natural breath freshener and is found in leafy green vegetables like lettuce, bell peppers, spinach and parsley among others (I wonder if goats have bad breath).

Snacking on vegetables such as carrots or raw celery or can keep plaque from forming.

Quit smoking.

People on low carbohydrate diet usually have “ketone breath” as the body breaks down fats instead of carbohydrate for energy, it creates ketones, some of which are released in the mouth. Unfortunately, ketones smell bad, and so will the breath. Persons on a strict carb-restricting diet, or any diet that forces them to burn fat instead of carbohydrates should consider throwing healthy carb-rich snacks into the mix, like apples or bananas. Fasting and anorexia also result in ketone breath.

4. Other dental causes of bad breath include poorly fitting dental appliances, yeast infections of the mouth, and dental caries. If a better oral hygiene and diet does not improve breath status, it could be an indication of an underlying medical issue that needs to be treated. Please see a doctor.


Monday, May 27, 2013

Jangolova (Part V)


October 4, 2013

She bolted out of her seat and hastened towards her as she stepped away from the stage.
When she was within reach, she cut through the crowd of admirer’s, pressmen and colleagues that had begun to gather around her, dragged her to the side and flung her arms around her. “That was a beautiful reading sweetie! Although I assumed when you sent me that ‘everything is going to be alright’ text last night you had removed the bit about the lady’s parents. They seem too much like your father and I and you know people, they like to talk.” She hugged her back and giggled. “Mother you worry too much. You are nothing like the bitter evil woman in my book, you and father settled your differences a long time ago and are a happily married couple!” She looked over her mothers shoulder at the man seated by himself away from the crowd, pulled her lips into a pout and batted her lashes. “Mother dearest, please could you go seat with Jason for a bit? He looks so lonely.” Her mother turned her head and looked to his direction. She made a face and spoke snootily. “I do not understand what you see in that man though, he doesn’t deserve you. Isn’t twenty-eight years and above too old to be playing boyfriend and girlfriend? I have told him several times that my daughter is a big photographer that travels around the world. If he does not want to marry you-.” Ivie raised her left hand halting her mothers nagging.
There was a huge engagement ring on her finger.
Her mother let out a squeak and grabbed her hand, inspecting the ring and surveying her with skepticism. “When?” Ivie giggled. “This morning, before my reading.” Her mother dropped her hand, straightened the folds of her dress and turned in Jason’s direction.
With a smile on her face, she tut-tutted in disapproval and she lamented loud enough for passers by to hear. “Look at my poor son in-law, sitting all by himself.”

Isioma opened her eyes and found herself looking into the eyes of a familiar little girl watching her with concern.
She blinked and sat up.
She was on a king-sized bed.
The girl moved closer, stretched out her little hand and touched her forehead with the back of her right palm. “Mummy are you okay?” She jerked her head back and stared at the girl. “Mummy?” The girl laughed. “Why are you copying me?” There was a slight knock at the door before it swung open.
A man with a little boy straddled on his shoulders with arms wrapped around his neck entered the room.
Isioma cocked her head to the side, squeezed her eyebrows in concentration and stuttered. “Se– Sesan?” He chuckled threw the boy on the bed beside her and sat down ruffling her hair as he did so. “Who were you expecting? Santa Claus? Its your birthday not Christmas sleepyhead. I don’t know how you manage to balance going up and down ladders in peoples houses with taking care of these little demons.” He caught the two children in each of his hands and wrestled with them. They squealed in delight. She ignored them and mumbled inaudibly. “Up and down ladders, mummy, Sesan?” She questioned tentatively. “Sesan, are we married?” He stopped playing with the kids, sat down and looked at her quizzically. “Are you okay honey?” he touched her forehead to check if she had a temperature. “That’s it, no more experimenting with different drinks for you. Yes my dear, we are married and have been so for close to nine years. This is our beautiful baby girl Yinka who thinks I don’t know she wants the new Wii for her ninth birthday in December and our little rascal” He grabbed the boy’s leg as he tried to crawl out of reach. “Junior.” He wiggled out of his hold and bounced up and down the bed. “My name is Izu! Mummy calls me Izu!” Sesan rolled his eyes in mock disgust. “Because your mummy named you after her boyfriend doesn’t mean I have to accept it,” he caught Izu mid bounce and lifted him off the bed. “Come lets leave the ladies alone and go and do manly things.” Izu chuckled. “I am only four daddy, I am not a man!” He stopped at the door and looked at her, concern lining his brows. “Are you sure you are okay dear? Your sister is coming to take the kids by 3pm and our flight is for six.” She reached for Yinka who crawled obediently towards her and rested her head on her laps. The last memory she had was of her in braids, wearing a pink tank top with matching sneakers and newly bereft of her nokia 3310. She was fresh faced from crying over her decision to walk out on Sesan and trying to stop an ‘okada’. Now she was in a bed, had beautifully manicured nails (they caught her attention when she reached for Yinka) with two beautiful children and apparently happily married to Sesan. She smiled at him. “I’m okay dear. Where are we going?” He responded slowly trying to gauge if she was really okay or pretending to be. “That wildlife photographer; Ivie Aghede wrote a book. She is doing a public reading and launch today. She invited us for a private reception in Edo state. I thought it was weird but you said to accept. If you’ve changed your mind, I’d be only too happy to call your sis and cancel.” She shook her head. “No don’t cancel I’m fine.” She tapped Yinka. “Baby go help your brother get ready okay?” Yinka got up sluggishly from the bed and padded towards her father.

The flight surprisingly kept to schedule and in less than 2hrs they were being ushered into the hotel by Ivie’s aids. When she spotted them, she excused herself from the group around her and ran to meet them. She threw her hands around Isioma and enveloped her in a bear hug. “You came!” Isioma tentatively hugged her back while Sesan did his best not to looked disturbed by the complete stranger attempting to squeeze the life out of his dear wife. Isioma patted her back. “Yes, we came.” Ivie released Isioma and let out an embarrassed laugh. “It’s been so long since we saw, that’s my fiancé over there.” She pointed and continued without stopping. “This might sound weird but there is somewhere I’d like to take you to. We’d be gone only a little while, I’d tell you about it on the way.” Isioma and Sesan exchanged puzzled glances. When Sesan nodded Isioma spoke. “Okay, shall we?” Ivie wove to the man she called her fiancé signaling she would be back in a little while then led them out of the building to a waiting vehicle. While they rode, she told them a crazy story of how they had met before in an alternate life on their birthday 10 years ago, saved a gypsy woman and were quite miserable until 2 days ago (a different one) when she (the gypsy) reunited them and gave them a choice for another chance. She was so caught up with making a difference and positive change that did not pay much attention to their new lives. She missed Isioma’s passing out ceremony because she went to the states the next year for a certificate course. When she got back, she learned they were married and Isioma was creating a name for herself in interior decoration. She had tried to get hold of her on several occasions but she was either in one part of the country working on a project or the whole family had gone overseas for some holiday or the other. With her own career and stabs at novel writing, she too was busy until she met Jason (her fiancé) the second time and realized she was beginning to forget their story. Last year, she began writing what she remembered of their story (the book she launched today) and decided to wait until the anniversary of the change to bring them all together again! When she finished talking she looked at both Sesan and Isioma. They were staring at her as if she had sprouted horns, spat fire and claimed she was a fairy. She pursed her lips realized what she had asked them to believe then covered her face in embarrassment. “You two think I am insane right?” Sesan cleared his throat and snaked his arm protectively around Isioma. The car stopped moving. Isioma threw up her hands in relief and rolled down the window. “We are here!” Then added doubtfully. “Where ever here is.” The car had stopped in front of a gate. There were chains around the bars and a huge padlock in front. Ivie got out and walked briskly to the gate. “It is locked.” She sounded disappointed. Isioma came down from the car and Sesan followed suit mumbling something under his breath that sounded like “that’s a surprise.” Ivie shook her head in amazement. “You two will really think I am mad now. Dragging you across the country, telling you an incredible tale and bringing you to a rundown- locked shanty.” Sesan used his body to shield Isioma and looked through the gate. She placed her left thumb in her mouth, nibbled her fingernail and snapped the fingers of her right hand trying to bring back a memory. Sesan spoke first. “I remember this place. ” He turned slightly and looked down at Isioma. “I came here looking for you but was told you had left. Your roommate was frantic because she said she tried calling you from several payphones but your number was unavailable. I searched all over town for you in places I recalled you usually favored. That was the scariest day of my life. When I finally found you,” he rolled his eyes. “You were sleeping in the reading room in Hall 1! I made you promise never to leave me like that again.” He covered her elbows with his hands and rubbed them, smiling at her as he continued. “So far so good, you have kept that promise.” He leaned down and covered her mouth in a sensual kiss.
An old lady walked up to the gate from the other side.
Using her walking cane as a tool, she banged at the gate getting their attention.
Isioma and Sesan jumped apart like two children caught in the act.
The old woman eyed the three of them with suspicion. “Yes? ‘I fit help unna’?” Isioma cleared her throat. “We are erm asking about the joint that was here, an open bar with a building behind.” The woman placed her cane in front of her, balanced her weight on it, leaned forward and responded haughtily. “Na me get this dormot. It is under new management, when e open again, unna go know.” Isioma surveyed her with a piercing look. As she turned to leave, she noticed a familiar twinkle in her eyes. She called out. “Wait! You seem like someone I know. Have we met before?” The woman smiled, muttered something under her breathe and shuffled into the darkness.

Ivie kept repeating what the woman said, trying to make sense of it. Sesan pieced the words together and repeated it aloud. “The eyes see only what they want to see?” Ivie turned sharply to him. “What did you say?” he shrugged his shoulders and threw his hands open. “I only repeated what the woman said.” Ivie pumped her fist in the air, ran to the car and got out a copy of her book. She flipped open a page, threw it at him and did a jig. “ I knew I wasn’t going insane.” While Sesan read, she linked her hands in Isioma’s own and chattered lively. “You might not remember this but me and you were best of friends. Now that we are speaking again, I intend to remain in your life for a long-long time.” She called over her shoulder. “Hey book worm! Get into the car. We have a party to attend. One that’s been in the making for the past ten years.” Sesan closed the book, and got into the car behind the two ladies. The driver started the engine and turned to Ivie. “Where to madam?” She leaned back in her seat and smiled. “To beautiful tomorrows and more.” She looked at Isioma and Sesan, they were happy. She was happy.

The End!