20 minutes into the chat with a new acquaintance, the name
of my offspring slips out in an anecdote. This is usually followed by ‘the awkward
question’ which over time, I have learned to answer with a flick of my hair.
The
response to this is a gasp, an incredulous look and the stuttered question “how
are you still such a cheerful person?” without a pause I often retort “would you rather
I sit on the floor with a bell in one hand and a bucket of ash in the other? Would
you feel more at ease if I ring the bell every 30 seconds while pouring ash on
my hair and wailing as loud as is permitted?”
Over the years, although I have been blessed, lucky, favored
and charmed, like a lot of people, I have also encountered traumatic episodes with 'the usual suspects' variety. Ranging from bullying, intimidation and
molestation to being suppressed, isolated and vilified.
Thing is, I survived.
Heck! I believe I am a better person as a result of some of the experiences.
For all the wins and losses, the event that shook me the
most was the time I lost my ability to laugh. When the saying “you don’t appreciate
what you have till it is gone” became too bloody relatable.
To miss hearing my
laughter, to try to laugh but instead, begin to choke – struggling to breathe
because at that instant, I was drowning.
Water that I could not see filling my
lungs with my insides being pricked by a thousand hot blunt knives. Using whatever
strength I had left to focus and remain on my feet and not give in to the oh so
alluring darkness.
To helplessly witness
the reality I knew shatter and fall around my ears and secretly wish I’d just
die along with my past.
To cry until I was only able to wheeze because I ran
out of tears and lost my voice, to need to cry but refuse to give in to the
urge to do so because some persons I accepted as kin had held a meeting
and decided my heart wrenching sobs was an act to seek attention from
unsuspecting folks.
As a young adult, when asked what I believed my best feature
was, without a thought, I’d say it was my smile.
I had an expressive smile that
was inviting, corroborative and mischievous at the same time and boy, I could smile for days!
When I heard my laughter again after craving it for so long,
I thought of recording it so if I was unlucky to lose it again, I’d have the
sound for reference but I decided against it. Instead, I threw my head back and
laughed.
I laughed and laughed and laughed. I laughed for the pain, I laughed
for the sign that some healing process had begun, and I laughed because I now
knew the value of my laughter.
If you are lucky and do get a chance to chat with me, I’d try to make you
laugh and I hope you do the same.
I do get sad, I do feel helpless and
often I spot the dark cloud of depression looking sexy as sin and promising an
oh so sweet escape but yes, I am a cheerful person and do relish the vibrations
of laughter.
I’d laugh because I can, I’d laugh without reservations, I’d laugh
with my whole being and I’d laugh because I enjoy the sound.
I’ve got just this life to live and I choose to laugh my way
right through it.
