Democracy Day - Female Friendly

While in one part of the world, people took ‘chill pills’ and celebrated ‘Bank Holiday’ by taking a break from ‘hustling’, in another part of the world, managers and CEO’s used the opportunity of ‘Democracy Day’ to double work load and meet company targets. 

Workers in the later part of the world could not complain much though because not complaining and having jobs allowed them to afford luxury goods like "food", and fuel for "transport".

Because my relationship with my beloved country is a bit complicated as I don’t believe the country is truly liberated from torture and oppression yet and I did not want to come off as being unpatriotic, I decided to celebrate the day by making recommendations for the liberation of breasts all over the world and being kind to yet another female who did not understand that the band size (32, 34, 36…) and cup size (A, B, C…) of brassieres (bras) have a significance.
(Yes Ade, I’m referring to you. Come and beat me.)

From personal experience and research, I have learned that wearing the wrong size bra can have psychological, physical and the occasional *spiritual effect on females.

*( X swears that ‘her village people’ send minions to pull out the underwire of her bra so it wounds her and gives them access to her blood to be used in ways best known to them. Although I think sending mosquitoes would be more efficient, I respect everyone’s opinions and have never argued with her logic)

Popular Literature on the effects of wearing the wrong size of bra include:

• ·         Rashes, bruised skin and shoulder pain.
• ·         Headaches
• ·         Saggy breasts
• ·         Serious back pains (especially in ample bossomed females)
• ·         Blockage of the lymph nodes and breast pain
• ·         Indigestion, stomach upset and tiredness
• ·         Stomach bulge’s (that waist trainer, body magic or tummy trimmer cannot hide)
• ·         Bad posture and
• ·         Low self-esteem.

Oh and then there is the occasional crankiness!

While most females are not lucky enough to personally know the CEO of Malabis Lingerie in Nigeria to get custom designed bras and lingerie, I have been to walk-in and online stores in south, east and western Nigeria that offer a wide size range of affordable, exciting-sexy bras for all body shapes and sizes.

To get the right fit:

  1. The under-band of your bra should lie flat across your back. If it rides up (and you went to my secondary school, you will be teased), the under-band is too big. You need to get a bra with a smaller band size.

 2.    The centre-front should lie flat on your sternum. If it lifts away, either the cup size is too small or the under-band is too big

     

3.    Bra-straps are for additional support only (they are not the effort strings of a pulley system). You should be able to slip off your straps and still have enough support from the under-band which is the main support.

4.    Bra cups should cover the breast smoothly. There should be no bulging breast tissues over the tops or the underarms at the side. Wrinkling of the bra fabric or too much gaps between the top means you need a smaller sized cup while the manifestation of ‘bread loaves’ means you require a larger cup size.

How to determine your perfect fit:

• ·         Band size: to get the band size, place a tape measure beneath your rib cage and tighten it till it fits nicely around your body.

• ·         Cup size: place the tape measure around the over-bust. Hold your head up, take a deep breath and release the tape measure till it accommodates your expanded chest.

With the figures you can use the chart below to determine your ideal bra size.

You know  your bra size, So what? - Shop!

After finding the size of bra that is right for you, the knowledge that a lot of problems  can be solved is quite liberating
(minus the spiritual ones though). 

A fun thing to do will be to explore various patterns and styles to fit your personality.

Kindly share this with colleagues, associates and females you care about and let these delicate body parts enjoy liberation!

Who knows, you might reduce the number of times these beautiful women throw missiles at you in sudden bursts of rage.

Cheers!!

• ·         I do not own the rights to the pictures and charts used above. Image sources include: Victoria secret, Triumph, George, Tu and Styles at Life.

  

This one go sweet

The first time I laid eyes on Mercy Johnson, I couldn't help but fall in love. 

It was around 2007/2008 before the age of selfies and #teamLightSkinned at the premier of ‘Ebuwa’ an English subtitled film in Edo language. 

With a lot of Imasuen’s in the production credits, the movie was about a mother’s greed, a daughter’s innocence and HIV (good movie by the way).

I somehow happened to get myself invited to the invitation only premier and was looking forward to mingling with the stars and maybe nabbing a celebrity boyfriend or two. 

I arrived at the cultural centre looking super fly, got infected by the high energy atmosphere and was just about ready to mingle when my wandering eyes flirted and settled in the direction of… my parents! 

Apparently they happened to find time to leave their busy schedules, travel all the way to Edo state to attend the event without even bothering to inform me.

My first thought when I saw them was to pretend I did not see them and leave the arena but from where I stood, watching my dad get star struck after Liz Benson shook his hands and seeing him get all excited over spotting more of his favourite artists I decided what ever ‘rep’ I had would be safer if I stayed behind to keep an eye on him.

Before the movie started, we were introduced to this brand new talent the guys were proud to present. She had ambition, passion and drive, they were certain she would take Nollywood by storm. 

When she got up for recognition, I was taken aback. 

She was not what I expected to see. 

She looked different, acted different and had this naïve shy smile that I hope to encounter again one day soon. 

They however said she held promise I can’t deny that till date, the lady still makes an effort to keep the promise.

What sealed this day in my memory was the conversation I witnessed in the tour bus (apparently, hanging out with my folks had its perks). 

It was between two veteran actresses. 

Since I can’t recall their names at the moment, I’d call them Cut and Sew. 

They were discussing about a movie and I honestly hope that is not how Nigerian movies are made.

The conversation went something like –

Cut: eh, Sew why Arinze no follow Patri come this thing from Lag?

Sew: I no know but e be like say im follow for that tragic accident for Lagos – Benin express road

Cut: ah! That’s serious oh, make I recharge phone call am.

Sew: meanwhile, Lucky don tell you say im wan shoot movie with me, you and Amanda? Me and Amanda go be sisters, you go come be our mama. E don tey since we do movie together oh, this one go sweet oh, how you see am?

Cut: na true oh, ah imagine say Arinze come be the bobo come make the whole thing blend. The thing go pure well!

Sew: you are so right. Make I call Lucky now. I go tell am if Arinze no dey the film me I no go follow…

Till date, I don’t know if the movie was ever produced or if ‘Arinze’ even survived the alleged tragic road accident. What amazed me was the faith these women had in the success of the movie without even knowing the fate of the man they had cast for the role of the leading man.

It is the same amazement I feel when I come across a new policy/regulation from the decision makers in the big A. 

The way they come up with this things without ensuring there are measures in place to facilitate the success of the policy leads me to believe they dream up these ‘bright ideas’ while seated in a tour bus of sorts after a couple of drinks or more.

I mean, how on earth do we patronise Nigerian made products when we do not have the Energy (electricity and fuel) to produce Nigerian made goods? 

So after the legislative parents looked away for so long while the ‘child economy’ played in other peoples ‘neat and tidy rooms’ letting his room that was once a liveable chamber turn to a sanctuary for rot and decay, do they think suddenly dragging that child away from the influence of the foreign friends by the ears and locking him in the room will fix the problem? 

For starters, to make that room liveable again, if you must, lock that child up with a mop, a broom and a bucket! If possible teach the child to clean.

In the news I hear Nigeria is the place to be and I'm like "for real?" Is it the same country that has so much human and natural resource and yet is unable to give the average citizen access to municipal drinking water, electric power supply or fuel? 

As we are such a happy nation, I am guessing we are expected to embrace the big picture, use ingredients pulled out of the bottom of the fictional chief priest's calabash to create the change while clutching our empty bellies and smiling in hunger.

Aha! I remember how I got invited to the event now.

72 hours and counting...

4th's S8AVC April

Guess what people? 

It’s Friday! 

*in early Rihanna’s voice* “Turn the music up!!”

April has been well; a month of interesting occurrences.

For starters I met a couple of people who still write letters (complete with having customized stationery, stamp collections and really nice coloured pens #lifegoals), I realised I am now more tolerant of cats, have more female friends who are way taller than me and most of all, with all that’s happening and not, I STILL have faith in a better Nigeria.

A few years back, I mentioned fuel scarcity in one of the stories from my collection of short stories (Greenland, 2013) as a way of preserving a trend I believed was about to be a thing of history but as we all know, I was wrong.

While our ‘sister’ countries are hustling for renewable energy, decentralization of power supply and feeding tariffs, able bodied Nigerian men and women are participating in unholy trades, flexing muscles, gallons and kegs in the search of PMB!

Generally speaking, aside from having a face off with a man-child who implied that I was promoting promiscuity because I dared to put up a picture of a painting that celebrated African pride (it was of a fierce looking beautiful black skinned woman who was naked save for a neck piece and bangles that adorned her neck, wrists and ankles. She held her hunting spare and was accompanied by a Lion) as a result of his ignorance and narrow mindedness, there is no major news to rely.

Something different about this month’s Super 8AVC is that I listened to just the audio of the tracks before comparing my expectations for a music video with what was actually presented in the official music videos.

Without further ado, here is number…

8. Rizzla – Burnaboy

*MVE: as soon as I hit the play button for this track, it was “get up and dance” for me. With that in mind, if this song is true to its ‘message’, there would be loads of smoke filled hazy scenes with Burna holding a stimulant of sorts doing his trademark ‘haters can hate’ nodding head dance. 

*whispers* I think Burna needs a hug.

*OMV: he was high in the video! Him and a whole lot of people *laughing out loud* here is a classic example of why you should not do drugs people. 

Oh I was right about the other stuff too; he did consume a stimulant and there was the nodding head dance. The video is way better than what I expected though.

7. Standing Ovation – Tiwa Savage ft. Olamide

MVE: I expect to see a sergeant Tiwa in military style outfits looking badass with separate clips of Olamide mingling at a party or being the boss while hanging out with his ‘goons’ in an empty warehouse. With one of his goons holding a baseball bat maybe? 

OMV: although Tiwa was badass in all of her scenes, rather than wear military style outfits, she made casual and laid back clothes look super sexy and stylish. Olamide was neither at a party nor in a shady warehouse with his goons but mainly out in the open supporting Tiwa to create a beautiful song with a proudly Nigerian setting.

6. I Concur – Timaya ft. Don Jazzy

MVE: there would be a walking stick in this video. Location: Bayelsa maybe? A harem of colourfully dressed ladies shaking their ‘African waists’ with Don J. trying to look cool while awkwardly gyrating in the name of dancing. 

OMV: there is a keke that looks like it is being used to move house. That mattress has seen better days though. 

There were more men than women shaking their waist and things in this video *drools*. There appears to be elements of dance and clothing from various tribes in... Africa? 

My, doesn’t Timaya look real snazzy in this video?

Did Don Jazzy ‘dance’? Yes. Was there a long stick in this video? Yes, Timaya’s. Was the video amazing? Yes. 

Unto the next one.

5. Osinachi (remix) – Humblesmith ft. Davido

MVE:  this track has highlife elements sprinkled all over it. It seems to me like another song about God’s awesomeness slash an individual reaping the rewards of hard work. Like Godwin, I expect clips of different people triumphing over hardships. Sadly, there would be no ‘hungry belle’ dance moves from brother Korede in this one.

OMV: different from what I expected, it is just one occasion; a coronation of sorts. 

It pays homage to the culture and traditions from South East Nigeria. 

Rather than take centre stage, Humblesmith and Davido step out of focus occasionally to allow viewers enjoy the rich and vivid displays set before them.

4. Ferrari – Yemi Alade

MVE: driving into number 4 with highlife rhythms as well, is Yemi in a ferrari! This lady is sha not afraid to talk am as e dey do her. Her videos ooze with energy (I should find the original painting of that African woman and her lion and gift it to her). 

I expect to see bold hairdos, colourful outfits and some humorous clips.

OMV: Energy? Check! Bold hairdos? Check! Colourful outfits? Check! Humour? Yes of course!!

This track features Remi (from Gulder Ultimate Search) as Yemi’s love interest. Through time abi different societies, he tries to win her over with elaborate formings and panache but did omo babe gree to give the guy face? Don’t ask me, watch and see for yourself.

3. Dance – Flavour

MVE: as I listened to the first few seconds of this song, I had begun to sing Sir Uwaifo’s Joromi before uncle decided to get on with the singing. The music video might feature a story within a story and a live performance like the one in Golibe (mehn I still love this song. Someone please tell me what he is saying because I am sure Flavour wrote that song with me in mind)

OMV: wow! Apparently Flavour decided to make up for the lack of girls in Timaya’s ‘I Concur’ by being the only man in this music video. 

Sadly the lovely ladies were too busy being gorgeous while rocking to the music to inform that other nice lady that she was not wearing all of her black leather jacket. 

While I was disappointed that he did not get to flex his amazing pecs this time, he kept to the proudly Nigerian theme by having a greater number of his dancers decked in popular prints that were probably sewn in Nigeria.    

2. Guitar Boy – Sir Victor Uwaifo

MVE: listening to Dance by Flavour got me in the mood for some Osadebe and Uwaifo. Guitar boy takes me back to my teenage years. I can almost hear myself and Sisi singing this song quite loudly and out of tune. I had a chance to meet this living legend when he was in Ibadan on tour but missed the opportunity because I was busy chasing free suya and gizzard *hides head in shame*.

I doubt there is an official music video for this song.

            1. Tupepe – Sir Victor Uwaifo ft. 2Face Idibia

             MVE: *dancing* are we playing here? Free me make I dance!

             Wait, what were you expecting number 1 to be?

Will I dare to assign anything other than the first position to a Chief, Professor and Sir?

I don’t care about the video but if 2face doesn’t live up to his 2Baba title by making this video great, I intend to write a very long letter of complaint to someone.

OMV: I am afraid that writing, “I like it, I like, I like it a lot” will fail to pass the right message across. The official video matched the tone of the track; I can’t image a better blend.

You definitely have to watch it to the end to witness Sir Uwaifo drop the rest of his old school dance moves.

Bubbling Under. Reggae Blues – Harrysong ft. Olamide, Kcee, Orezi, Iyanya.

And just because I can, there is a number 9 today. *Screaming* “After the reggae play the blues” *folds shirtsleeves* dances* shoki, suwor oya etighi. “Dj, Dj! Give am belle!”

That was fun guys, let’s do this again soon!

Cheers!

** MVE: My Video Expectation

     OMV: Official Music Video

*** FYI the series “Spice Rack” would only be back by popular demand so to the few people who’ve asked about the rest of it, I’m sorry guys. If I don’t get enough feedback/comments/messages to proceed, Spice Rack would be publicly sentenced to a slow painful death.

From diaspora with love/ 4th's Super 8 AVC

Dear Mr. President,

*Kilode? 

Sincerely,

A concerned Nigerian.

To begin with, since I can remember I have loved my country and believe it would take a lot more than terrorism, austerity and malaise to change this truth. 
You see, as a young child while waiting for RSTV to start the day's transmission in the early 90’s, I read story books which in a way preserved Nigerian people and culture and on occasion, my grandmother's retold stories of the great hunter, farmer and the industrious trader. 
Then there was the ultimate treat ‘tales by moonlight!’ the lessons from this television program was that ‘good conquers evil’.

From past history of the Bini’s, Calabar’s and heroines of the North to name a few, I have learned that no matter how difficult things become, Nigerians will find a way to survive.

I noticed early signs of things to come in my senior year of secondary school when I tried to register for Nigerian History and was told the subject had been scrapped.

Question:

How can you plan a future when you have no lessons with experience from the past?

In the developed economies we are trying so hard to emulate, before any decision is made, they do something called an impact assessment. 
It is not magic.
They explore the possible impacts both negative and positive of any policy they intend to enact and make plans for mitigation or resolution of the potential conflicts BEFORE decisions are carried out. 
They are a government of the people, for the people and by the people. 
If we copy their, culture, their cuisine and political hierarchy, why then have we refused to copy their strategy? Is it because it could be a good thing?

Looking at fuel scarcity, the restriction of cash withdrawals abroad, oh and let's not forget the epileptic supply of power in the country. Do these issues characterize a government that thinks before it acts?

Once upon a time, we had national parks, game reserves and family picnics. The Nigerian industries manufactured products that could compete with international standards.

Before get rich schemes like dirty politics, twerking and oil monopoly became popular, our economy survived on agriculture, industry and surprise - surprise; innovation!

Do you remember?

Oh my bad. You probably don’t because the sources of Nigerian history these days are badly written Nollywood scripts!

I decided to further my education in hopes of contributing towards the survival of the Nigerian economy but as a result of restricted access to my humble savings back in the fatherland thanks to the government of change which has not put measures in place to protect their "beloved citizens" in diaspora , I considered giving up and returning home to join the unemployed disgruntled masses. 
However last night while plotting what would be the concluding course of the journey I came across a song. 

It gave me hope and reminded me that Nigerian’s are fighters.

I am now back to believing!

I know my roots and I am proud of where I come from. 
Although we are faced with the problem of terrorism, austerity and malaise Nigerians are resilient, I would survive.

The songs below would either make you want to leave the one you are with and start a new relationship with erm, I don’t know or take you to a time when Nigerians were people that asked ‘what can I do for my country’ rather than ‘what can my country do for me’ listen, enjoy, share, celebrate!

8.    Super God – Gbemi Jorge

Beginning this countdown is the uplifting song ‘Super God’. The lyrics of the song are like a prayer from the heart straight to God’s ear. I can’t write exactly how liberating this song is. The best way to understand is to listen by hitting the download link Super God-Gbemi Jorge

7.     Ogene – Zoro ft. Flavor

Warning this song would cause you to move, dance… gyrate! I honestly don’t know what he is saying and do hope someone is kind enough to interpret but the way the words blend with the instrumentals is really something beautiful. Hit the link to listen Ogene-Zoro ft Flavor 

6.     Open and Close – Simi

Open and close could be described as the musical interpretation of the slang “Warri no dey carry last”.  Simi combines nostalgic phrases with relatable responses to real life situations to create a track that is fun, humorous and fast paced.

5.     Get it Together – Tiwa Savage, Paul PSquare

Done in collaboration with the Nigerian Urban Reproductive Health   Initiative (NURHI). This track in essence extols the virtues of proper planning before action especially in the case of sexual activity and parenthood, a procedure I am afraid is lost on the decision makers in our country.

4.     Love Nwantiti – Da Roc

Closely following the advice of planned parenthood by Tiwa and Paul is this song by Da Roc singing out his heart for the sake of love. Love Nwantinti - Da Roc

3.     Love don’t care – Simi

There is something about this artist's voice that keeps me coming back for more. I thought it was a one time thing when I could not get enough of 'Jamb Question' I guess I was wrong. In ‘Love don’t care’ she basically reiterates the known fact that when it comes to matters of the heart, logic and reasoning have no place; “the heart wants what the heart wants”.  

2.     All I want is you – Banky W. & Chidinma 

This song is my ringtone, message alert, morning alarm and reminder notification. I enjoy it so much that I compiled an 8-track playlist and put the song in slot’s one through to eight. The audio features the unmistakable voices of Onyeka Owenu as well as Zack Orji with the video following the story of young love and happy endings. The song has Rhythm, Melody and Texture and really should have been my number one.

1.     Mama Oyoyo – Yemi Alade, Olamide, Tyrion Lannister Iyanya, Tekno, Selebobo.
      This track combines the talent of various artists and once more celebrates strength in diversity, although this song carries on for a bit and gets a bit tiring towards the end it is my number 1 in this countdown not because of the engaging instrumentals or the rich cultural flavor but simply because it is in honor of mother's and well, my mum rocks!

* Kilode is a Yoruba for  ‘what is it'/'what is the matter?’