As you like it

That awkward moment when the sugar rush from eating milk wafers is lacking after going through the whole mouth pleasing pack.
Torn between fighting the urge to spit out the last bit while checking to make sure the product isn’t expired makes quite an amusing picture.
Eventually the realization that wafers are not a good remedy for eye-blinding hunger comes to mind.

A funny thing happened last week…

February 14 was St. Valentine’s Day.
A day which appears to have been ‘from a summary of past accounts and history’ originally a celebration of love between lovers but now is an occasion to give alms to the poor, visit orphanage homes, go to church, bankrupt selves in the name of impressing a beau, have meaningless sex (possibly after receiving a gift of white handkerchief, singlet and boxers) and/or feel sorry for yourself for not being in a relationship/in love/ involved.
From past accounts and recent times, it seems to be a day when people not only choose to wear red and white looking like members of the Ayelala secret society in Edo state but also generally pair up and have fun with one or a multitude of friends/strangers.
Somehow this definition was lost to me because I ended up spending the fun part of the day being continuously dunked in water and it was not because I was smoking hot.
I was supposed to be a quite observer at a pool party; drink in hand, beau at hand all was well with me until a girl who even I had difficulty keeping eye contact with (she had water filled balloons for boobs that threatened to fall out of their barely there ‘enclosure’ every time she moved) decided to pick up the ice filled champagne bucket, ignore the lot of people wearing swimsuits and boxers and empty the contents on a fully clothed me in the name of ice bucket challenge.

I mean, what the hell was that?!

Shocked and freezing, I scurried off and went to change to dry clothes taking time to towel dry my hair and apply lip-gloss on my kisser.

location: Hôtel Bimyns, Porto Novo.

I barely reached the landing of the party grounds when suddenly I was airborne, twisting my neck in a bid to identify my pilot, the arrival destination came to view: the pool.
Screaming, I tried to explain that I wasn’t dressed to swim/I had just changed out of wet clothes. The final bit of my protest came out as a gurgle as I had been unceremoniously dumped into the pool.
This happened about two more times until it occurred to me that changing out of my wet clothes seemed to be a subliminal invitation.
The highpoint part of this account happened the next day when a young man who spoke in amazement about a guest who had an unbelievably ample behind for her tiny frame was cut short by another man telling him the buttocks was fake, that the lady took them off when she went to use the bathroom. The look of hurt that lined his face at the deception was so sad it was hilarious.

I did not find anything wrong or right with what she did though. It is her body after all and she is allowed to do whatever pleases her with it.

Shout out to NEPA for giving me a few seconds of power to write this.

For your views and comments on body magic, wonder bras and the likes (aka fake hips, nyansh and boobs), use the comment box below.

Ciao!

To go

On Saturday the 26th of October (best month in the year FYI) I attended a wedding!
Snugly nestled between my father and mother dearest, I realized 2hrs into the event that had been asleep for about all of the first hour.
Problem was not that I was unhappy, unexcited or sent from ‘the village’ its just that hearing 20 people say "I yam am" and "I doom do" one at a time over and over again gets boring after the 3rd round of ‘consents’.
Coupled with the fact that most of the service was in a language I do not speak or understand it became extremely hard to say “No!" and "Get thee behind me.” to the evil spirit coaxing my eyes shut.
After the service, I went for the reception.

It was there I fell in love.

Not with the groom as someone like me might assume (or the bride either!) but with the family receiving the new bride. From where I sat, I could feel love, understanding and unity as the groom’s siblings and kin scurried around looking all bothered, anxious but happy. Welcoming guest, offering hugs/smiles and making people generally feel at home. I wanted to be a part of that family!

Watching them in action brought strength to the saying that getting married is easy but staying married is the big deal.

The thing with weddings is that no matter what your reason for getting hitched is, after the initial badaboom-badabing it becomes a "do you?” "I do" and swearing to stick to your spouse for better or for worse, seven heads and all affair.
The old difference between the East and Western cultures was that while the Western worlds accepted disagreement and seperation between couples when the reason for doing so was justifiable the Eastern culture frowned upon it.
The rule then was that "unna talk say na for better and for worse, you dey run the together show abi? As yawa don gas now, you wan check out? C'mon fall in!! Wetin you bin think say the ‘for worse’ part resemble?"

Then, divorces were not as common.

You come in freely, you make an agreement, and you sign a contract yeah?

You stick to it.

We have failed unions and then we have FG and ASUU.
The difference between these troubled couples is that for the latter, aside from the 'biological children' suffering from the bitter arguments and hurtful exchanges, there is the petty trader in the shopping complex on campus caught somewhere between the standoff that suffers as well.

Worried, her fear is that soon her eldest daughter would go into full-blown prostitution, as she cannot afford to take care of the younger children due to the strike action. The daughter calls these men that drop her off at unholy hours of the day her ‘friends’. They give her an amount of money that ‘she does not work for’. She knows she should stop her but Junior the baby of the house is on admission in the University Teaching Hospital which comprises striking/absent doctors and she is broke.
You see, their father is dead and his family shunned her.
She sold the rest of what she owned to acquire the shop and get it stocked. It became the source of their livelihood, security and all.

I have stopped obsessing over the knowledge that a huge chunk of taxpayer’s money is being wired across border to develop our neighboring sister countries like Chad, Benin, Cameroon and Niger. These nice people are offering our Nigerian children uninterrupted educational supply for a hefty sum, a sum which they use to upgrade their schools, communities and amenities. Who cares that Nigeria is loosing the money we say we do not have?

Finally, these series of nuptial celebrations have got me fantasizing about my dashing prince charming and our happily ever after.
Public service announcement; I’m getting married!!
Hehehe

The blues

For someone who loves to waddle, wriggle and splash the weather of late combined with my present location is dancing very close to the edge of being outright foul. I know it is Garden city – Rivers state and all that but come on!?
I am quite certain some figurative thoughts were at play when they named it so! I for one know that they do not go about passing random food hampers in Benue state – the food basket of the nation.

If I say the rain is wicked, the general agreement will be that “Oseyi has come again” (where I went to in the first instance? I do not know) but how else will I describe a thingy that falls in earnest for a bit, eases up and lets the sun come out to play, convinces you it is done with its theatrics and gets you to leave your umbrella/raincoat/boyfriend-slippers behind then jumps out from the clouds and douses you with its chilling presence?
It is bad enough that it was one of the deciding factors for my shocking liaison with the 'scissors of Bodija', now its acting like an obsessed monster, forcing you to bend to its will and failing to understand that NO MEANS NO (there is a not so flattering 4 letter word for this behavior. I even hear discusses about the legality and acceptance of related acts. (Something to do with old men, under developed little girls and VVF).
There’s just something about this so-called ‘weather for two’ that rubs me the wrong way. Then again, this 'rubbing' is a matter I’d like to table for discussion (not today though).

Saturday July 23, 2013
Like play like play, the month is sliding to a steady end.
This is a good thing, the whole hope characteristics of ‘man’ enables most people to look forward to tomorrow, the day after it and tolerate bull crap from the powers that be but before I hop on the trust wagon and chug-chug out of the month of July, I’d like answers to the few questions that manifested over the days gone by.
For ease of response, I have summed them into 4 categories. Please, feel free to supply answers where possible.

1. Of love

a. How does ‘ making a compromise’ differ from wanting the other party to change entirely to suit your lifestyle?
b. How do people walk away from the one they love and manage to live happily ever after with Mr./Miss. Suitable?
c. Love is a battlefield yeah? So after ‘Marriage’, what next?
Divorce?

2. Of living

a. I love my friends, relations and kinsmen. This I know. Where is it written that to prove this fact, I have one has to attend the ‘grand tribunal’ every Mondays, Wednesdays and Saturdays, sacrifice a purple Billy goat, dance around a silver lock and serenade each and every member of this ‘love circle’ with calls and updates of their every thought?
b. Where are all the butterflies?
c. Nigeria is above 50 years old today. What is democracy?

3. Of behaviors

a. What is the definition of ‘Normal’? Who is sane and who is insane?
b. The madmen and women that parade the streets; what are they looking for, who are they talking to and where do they get their change of clothes?
c. At “No strings attached/friends with benefits”: how does it work, when does it end and whose bright idea was it?
d. * Erased due to graphic nature*

4. Unclassified

a. Where do babies come from?
b. Will Nigerian roads ever be fixed to a good working condition?
c. Can I die for my president, will you?
d. Cashless Nigeria?

Thank you for your anticipated assistance (and shared wisdom – I truly appreciate), have a lovely weekend and do not ask me what question 3d was about.
Cheers!!

The Tortoise, The Hare and Mr. Nancy

Honestly speaking, with the earth as my witness, I did not set out to be naughty yesterday evening. I was minding my business, steadfastly making my way home when the incident occurred.
Truth be told, I was the victim!
After a long day spent in service to the fatherland and at the same time in repression of thoughts of the extra spicy chicken lounging in the pot of stew in my kitchen, I decided to take the scenic route home.
The journey would have been quiet and uneventful but for the interruption of my line of vision by a man who’s bald head reflected the setting sun.
On seeing him, I stopped walking and gaped at the sight before me. To be sure I was not imagining things, using my eyes, I traced the position of the sun and followed it down to its reflection on his head.
My forays would have gone unnoticed by the dear man if only my traitorous eyes did not decide to on their own check out his profile, conclude he was quite young then again look at him as if to ask what the secret of his shiny bald spot was.
I believe by some stroke of unfortunate luck, he heard the unasked question because he changed his direction and made to come to me.
I did not stand to see what he had in mind.
I “stoned” my face, looked in the other direction and scurried away as fast as my little feet would carry me!


(reward for hard work!)



Where are they now?


Do you remember the creature?
Wise and solemn, he often outwitted the boastful adversary
Slow and steady, he extolled patience
On darker days he was foolish and greedy, ending up with a broken back.

How about this one?
With speed and wit the accomplished feats
He followed the captives to a foreign land
With ears so long, he wormed his way
To their hearts, tradition and immortality till now.

I refused to believe the trickster is gone
Once in time he gave us stories
Hailing from West Africa he outsmarted his father
A being of skill, his web connects us all.


Thanks to the death of the tales by moonlight, fun educative programs on local TV stations and their relations, hopefully, most of us will know this creature as

A Tortoise.
Member of the family Testudinidae a family of land-dwelling reptiles in the order Testudines.
They are usually daytime creatures (diurnal) with tendencies to participate in twilight affairs (I did not just think of glow in the light vampires).
Tortoises generally have lifespans comparable with those of human beings, and some individuals are known to have lived longer than 150 years
(Grand Master Oogway (also known as Master Oogway or more simply Oogway) was an elderly tortoise and the previous senior master of the Jade Palace. He is credited as the founder of the Valley of Peace, the creator of Kung Fu, and the developer of the Dragon Warrior legend).

This next one on the other hand might be a little hard to follow.

As his close relation seems to have stolen his thunder.

Hares and rabbits (Leporidae) together form a group of Lagomorphs that includes about 50 species of hares, jackrabbits, cottontails and rabbits.
While huge differences exist between the two, hares and rabbits have short bushy tails, long hind legs, long ears and share similar position in folkloreStories of the hare started out as lessons to African children on the values of humility and wisdom. Overtime, as the stories made their way across the boarders of Africa, more of the responsibly was given to the rabbit.
In time, the hare was hardly mentioned.

Arachnophobia or arachnephobia is the fear of spiders and other arachnids.

Given Name: Kweku Anansi
Father: Nyame, (sky god)
Mother: Asase Ya (fertility/ earth goddess)
Gender: Male
Date of Birth: Unknown (around the time when animals and humans spoke to each other).
Day of Birth: Wednesday
Height: Little. Weight: Light.
Address (es): Kumasi, Ghana / Kingston and the counties of Jamaica and other Caribbean territories / The Sea Islands and South Carolina (Gullah), USA / the island of Haiti / Paramaribo and other districts within Suriname, South America / Garifuna Communities, Belize, Central America.
Country of Origin: Ashanti, Ghana
M.O. (Modus Operandi): Trickery; Quick-change-artist; Uses his brains; Hustler; Outsmarts persons larger than himself; Known to travel with immigrants; Often gets in trouble for a misdemeanor.
Main Enemy: Osebo the Leopard, A.K.A: "Bre'r Tiger", "Bra Tiger", "Bro Tiger", Tiger.
Spiders are air breathing, eight-legged predatory arachnids with a body consisting of a fused head and thorax and a rounded abdomen. They are arthropods with fangs that inject venom. They are the largest order of arachnids and rank seventh in total species diversity among all other groups of organisms.
Spiders are found worldwide on every continent except for Antarctica, and have become established in nearly every habitat with the exception of air and sea colonization.

It is considered bad luck to kill a spider



Happy birthday Izy!