Speckled Impression

There’s this song I grew up listening to in church, it goes somewhat like “I’m a millionaire-ah-ah-ah, I’m a millionaire. I’m a happy-happy-happy millionaire”.
It is on the top of my list of favorite Christian songs.
As ‘talented’ as I am, I have never pretended to or claimed to know how to carry a tune.
Sing?
Maybe I can, probably to save my life or that of someone I really care about but if I were to rate my singing ability on a scale of one to ten, I’d give my self a minus one with zero being “somebody-save-us-please!!!-Kindly-turnoff-that-rambling–contraception-before-we-gouge-out-our-ears-with-a-copper-file.Shoot-it-beat-it-squish-it-kill-it-whatever-just-make-it-stop!

So when I was younger, I would clutch my hymnbook anxiously, hold my breath and pray that ‘today’ would be the day they sing the song. Some days I got lucky, my prayer would be heard and the choir master would announce the hymn. I’d quickly flip to the page and hum slash recite the words along with the singing choir.
I always felt uplifted by their rendition and dreamed of happy days to come – having my very own castle complete with flying pony, perfect tea sets and cooperative playmates.
On other days, I was not so lucky.
It didn’t bother me much though. Rather I carefully put away my hymnbook and look forward to the next time. Maybe, I’d get lucky then.

I still love the song till date; problem is

I realize that now unlike before instead of attempting to sing along and get into the groove of the spirit, I’d be busy watching for those who are singing.
I’d then pick out the seemingly single men and keep an eye on them. When they get to the “ I’m a happy millionaire” part I’d notice my gaze traveling down to inspect their shoes, accessories, clothing and back to their face. Usually, I am able to stop there, regain composure and go back to the point of worship but on more occasions, I find myself waiting for the subject of my perusal to catch my gaze so I can give him a look that implies “you this wicked man, is it me you are trying to deceive?”
The clueless man’s reaction is best left to the imagination.

Like play like play, today is Friday October 11 2013 and ASUU is still on strike, not only are Fayrouz, Cheese balls and color-blocking girls becoming scarce but non students are gradually beginning to get used to the idea of having jobless young adults restlessly sit home gazing at the living room ceilings (where applicable)from morning till night wondering whether his/her boyfriend/girlfriend is being faithful to them where ever they are.

In a bid to understand what is going on in my beloved country with respect to education and youth development I have stopped skipping to the next station when the news bulletin is on.
From what I have gleaned there is some sort of love triangle going on with one party looking for who to beat/kidnap/take to court, another party looking for who to bully/coerce/take to court and the 3rd party playing the helpless victim.

In other news; a couple of rams have been detained for violating sanitation laws, a kindly governor handed out galaxy tabs to school children who have no power supply in their places of refuge (pitiful homes), portable drinking water or good school uniforms and finally police encourage citizens to be more trusting and forthcoming. After all the police is your friend!

To end this, I’d pray for Nigeria and make a decree; there will be peace, progress and prosperity, if not today, then tomorrow or the next but it will happen some time in my day...

Do not pout people, smile!

E go better.

Twenty Four

I don’t know if it was the ache in my neck or the scathingly cheerful voice on the radio that woke me but when I tried to move, the blinding pain was enough to encourage me to proceed with caution.
It turned out I had dozed off with my neck in an awkward position while waiting for a large file to upload.
As I tried to gradually reclaim said body part from the evil clutches of misery, the phone conversation between the on air personality (OAP) and lady I later discovered was *Wumi Adeyemi caught my attention.
She was gushing about a *Remi who happened to be the love of her life.
She had not seen him in close to two weeks and was missing him terribly. She bragged that he was the best thing sent to her from God adding that he showered her with gifts, affection and things no man could contest with.
Her apparent state of bliss and the sweetness of her confidence made me nauseous (it was either that or reaction to the neck pain). I prayed she’d ask the OAP to call him so I could hear how the so called Remi sounded.



My prayers were answered!

She asked the OAP to call him, pull his legs a bit and tell him she loved him to smithereens. In addition, she requested for the song “Endless love” a duet by Diana Ross and one man (the father of Paris Hilton's best friend that year) and dedicated it to him.

It was 11:58pm, almost midnight.

I held my breath while the phone rang afraid that Remi would not pick.

At the 6th ring, he picked!

The OAP greeted Remi, pretended to be someone from his circle and got him feeling relaxed and comfortable.
When Remi tried to politely admit he could not recall him, the OAP asked if he was still chasing plenty women like in the old days that he had a lovely woman to give to him.
Remi abruptly hushed him proclaiming in a firm voice that the only woman in his life was his beloved fiancé *Melody Folarin.



My neck miraculously healed, righted itself and snapped back into place.
I jumped off the bed, propped pillows behind me on the floor and leaned closer to my tiny transistor radio eager to hear how this drama will unfold.

The OAP asked Remi if the name Wumi Adeyemi rang a bell.

Before he could answer, I heard footsteps in the background and a sleepy singsong voice say “honey its late, come back to bed.”

The line went dead…



* Real names withheld


A day before, I decided that I’d move around with pen and paper and jot my thoughts alongside the time for 24 hours.
The following events took place between 4am and 12am (GMT +1)


04:15: do these Je*us deliverance ministry people ever sleep? One of these days, I’d… !!!

06:46: #yawn# is just me or is it awkward that I am always finding cockroaches lying dead in compromising positions around this house?

09:19: I’m waiting for my change at the store (came to buy #). I get this real sweet text from #. I am all smiles and blushes. I look up and find this scantily dressed man “returning” my smile – reasons why I shouldn’t smile and text.

13: 30: where do babies come from?

13: 37: I look at this mans tummy and I’m like dear G*d! I need to start working out! I wouldn’t want to be him.

14:18: hmm cutie! “Hi, have you ever kissed a girl in braces?” “No? You should! Would you like to kiss me?” “You aren’t comfy here? Don’t worry my candy red Ferrari is out back, would you like to go for spin afterwards?” “Take me, I’m yours” – what didn’t happen.

16:02: his agbada is so dirty; I wonder if I can give him a change of clothes. Would he hit me over the head with a stick and tear my clothes or spit in my eyeballs and tear my clothes. He’d look great in a form fitting jeans though. Nice figure. How do mad men react to kindness?

16:03: don’t do it! Don’t do it! Great, he did it. Yup! Out comes the willy *rolling eyes* now going to try not to look.

16:15: yeay! Nap time (phone rings)

16:16: *farts* peeyoo! That was nasty

19:03: I am hungry

20:54: wonder how I look when am pooping as in pushing real “hard”

20:55: does every body push real hard? (@ Pooping)

20:56: Eww I put the pen in my mouth!!

21: 00: I wonder what he is doing

21:16: I really should upload those files now