Saturday, February 28, 2015

The Cockroach Letter

A cockroach letter is a standard bulls**t letter sent by a company/service provider to a customer in response to a letter of complaint/evidently dissatisfied customer when the body of said letter meets certain criteria.

Today I was reminded of an incidence from 2009 between me and my bank when I got a mail that didn't concern me (or so I thought) from them.

I had often heard people talk about cockroach letter and did not think much of it until (and to my surprise) when for all my effort and after the stress they put me through, the bank sent me said letter and (would you believe it?) a complimentary pen! Like I was supposed to write away my hurt.

I was too weak with disbelief to do anything then; I mean who gets a pen after being defrauded?

So today, when I got the unnecessary email from them and saw their reply I looked up Cockroach letter and discovered a funny story which I'd share next.

"
This guy on an aeroplane noticed a cockroach in the aisle. On arriving at his destination, he fires off a letter to the president of the airline, pointing out that roaches thrive where there’s filth, and that he expected better things of the airline company.

Within a few days (this is in the days when one posted letters) he got a letter in response, deploring the roach incident, saying that they had never heard of such an incident before and that if he produced the letter he could get an upgrade to first class next time. In addition the plane and its hangar had been fumigated and that the maintenance crew had been disciplined, and in closing, Thanked him for bringing this nasty situation to their attention!

For months he told his colleagues and friends about this fantastic service, attention to detail and how the passengers of this airline meant so much to them. 

Then one day he hauled out the letter to show a friend, and a post-it note that had been stuck to the inside of the envelope drifted to the floor. He picked it up and read in absolute shock - it said: Grecian - send this idiot the standard cockroach letter
."

My bank asked me to send the transaction date and my account number which thanks to my penchant for taking pictures every other day I was able to provide. I am quite curious as to how this will play out...
a). Would they refund my money after 5 years?
b). Will they still insist I arranged to have myself robbed?
c). Will they send me another Cockroach letter?

Have you ever received a Cockroach letter from a service provider?
How did you react?

Sunday, February 22, 2015

As you like it


That awkward moment when the sugar rush from eating milk wafers is lacking after going through the whole mouth pleasing pack.
Torn between fighting the urge to spit out the last bit while checking to make sure the product isn’t expired makes quite an amusing picture.
Eventually the realization that wafers are not a good remedy for eye-blinding hunger comes to mind.

A funny thing happened last week…

February 14 was St. Valentine’s Day.
A day which appears to have been ‘from a summary of past accounts and history’ originally a celebration of love between lovers but now is an occasion to give alms to the poor, visit orphanage homes, go to church, bankrupt selves in the name of impressing a beau, have meaningless sex (possibly after receiving a gift of white handkerchief, singlet and boxers) and/or feel sorry for yourself for not being in a relationship/in love/ involved.
From past accounts and recent times, it seems to be a day when people not only choose to wear red and white looking like members of the Ayelala secret society in Edo state but also generally pair up and have fun with one or a multitude of friends/strangers.
Somehow this definition was lost to me because I ended up spending the fun part of the day being continuously dunked in water and it was not because I was smoking hot.
I was supposed to be a quite observer at a pool party; drink in hand, beau at hand all was well with me until a girl who even I had difficulty keeping eye contact with (she had water filled balloons for boobs that threatened to fall out of their barely there ‘enclosure’ every time she moved) decided to pick up the ice filled champagne bucket, ignore the lot of people wearing swimsuits and boxers and empty the contents on a fully clothed me in the name of ice bucket challenge.

I mean, what the hell was that?!

Shocked and freezing, I scurried off and went to change to dry clothes taking time to towel dry my hair and apply lip-gloss on my kisser.
location: Hôtel Bimyns, Porto Novo.

I barely reached the landing of the party grounds when suddenly I was airborne, twisting my neck in a bid to identify my pilot, the arrival destination came to view: the pool.
Screaming, I tried to explain that I wasn’t dressed to swim/I had just changed out of wet clothes. The final bit of my protest came out as a gurgle as I had been unceremoniously dumped into the pool.
This happened about two more times until it occurred to me that changing out of my wet clothes seemed to be a subliminal invitation.
The highpoint part of this account happened the next day when a young man who spoke in amazement about a guest who had an unbelievably ample behind for her tiny frame was cut short by another man telling him the buttocks was fake, that the lady took them off when she went to use the bathroom. The look of hurt that lined his face at the deception was so sad it was hilarious.

I did not find anything wrong or right with what she did though. It is her body after all and she is allowed to do whatever pleases her with it.

Shout out to NEPA for giving me a few seconds of power to write this.

For your views and comments on body magic, wonder bras and the likes (aka fake hips, nyansh and boobs), use the comment box below.

Ciao!

Friday, January 30, 2015

With Brooms, Umbrellas, Crops and Livestock.


Twenty fifteen elections are around the corner with different candidates from different political parties vying for a mark beneath my thumb.
Although they are different, they are united by a common goal.

To effect positive change and growth.

They say this in earnest and with palms across their chest, they make this pledge. They seem believable, they seem true yet I find it a little difficult to trust their word.
How can you give me change when you permit irrational acts to be done in your name?
Since when does cutting away the roots of a tree strengthen the plant?
Aside from intimidation, name-calling and image bashing, all over town, promotional posters are splattered indiscriminately defacing buildings, fences and road dividers to name a few.

I am thinking to myself, “who will clean up this mess?”

Over the months, I've come across jingles, adverts in publications and really pretty billboards (plus or minus Photoshop).
Nice words, catchy phrases; I got the message.

Ten-eleven years ago, I went to watch a theater presentation with my mum in the evening. It ran longer than the usual 2hrs but was worth it. We made our way home and were surprised to see lots of cars parked in front of and about our residence.
At that time, it was a tradition for members of staff and office holders to personally visit family members of recently bereaved.
My dad had gone for an official errand and was due home that evening.
I scanned the lot of cars looking for my father’s vehicle.
It was not there.
I looked at my mother she looked at me; neither of us uttered a word. We knew what the other was thinking but were afraid that if we spoke it might come to pass.
Our silence was a prayer.
In trepidation we got out of the vehicle and walked into the house.
I saw someone.
He looked like my father, he sounded like my father but I hesitated to admit he was my father.
The man looked heartbroken. He was pale, shaken and in tears. Words I have never associated with my father in all my years.
His clothes were blood stained, glasses askew and his lips trembled whenever he tried to speak.
He was a wreck.
It turned out he was involved in an accident and his driver died.
Not from the accident but from lack of… I really can’t say.

They were flung off the road by a trailer avoiding a pothole without functioning breaks.
The car fell into a ditch and they passed out momentarily.
My dad was the first to come to.
He called his driver. When he realized the driver wasn’t responding to his name, he urged the gathering onlookers to assist him.
As luck would have it, there was a government hospital about 20 minutes away. He gave a man some money to use an okada to bring help. The man returned alone saying the staff on duty said there was no fuel in the ambulance. Without thinking, he gave him money to give to them to buy fuel.
When the ambulance came, they loaded the driver into the vehicle and drove straight into a bottleneck. The road was bad so only one side of it was pliable. In addition, they had to drive slowly because one of the back tires of the ambulance had a fault.
After about an hour or more, they got to the hospital.
First they would not let them sit till they confirmed my dad could afford the registration fee and ensuing bills. After that, the generator would not come on and there was no waiting for NEPA because the transformer was blown.
Almost frantic, he gave them money to do what ever it took to get light in the hospital.
After taking the driver to the waiting room. The nurse on duty said they would have to wait a while because the doctor on duty was in his private hospital. My dad sat on the bed with his driver cradled in his arms.
He kept talking to him and urging him to hold on a little while longer, ‘help was on the way’.
It was when the nurse was reprimanding the cleaning lady for not preparing the bed like she asked her to that the driver tapped my father and said “oga, you don try for me. I don taya. Make I go.”

About four hours after surviving a ghastly motor accident, the driver *Mr. X Y Z gave up and died in my father’s arms.

3 presidents and 10 years later, similar incidents are still occurring.
People are still dying from neglect, disintegration and misplaced priorities.

Twenty fifteen elections are around the corner with different candidates from different political parties vying for a mark beneath my thumb.

Before I accept your promise of positive change and growth, do you know who the people are?
Are you abreast with the needs of said people?
What makes what you are saying now different from what you said in the past?
How do you intend to add quality to my life?

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Love the one you’re with


2006
It was the eve of his wedding. She had been ignoring his calls. After the 12th ring she was fed up. With annoyance, she picked his call and all but shouted. “What is it?” “Please” he slurred, “just say it. Give the word and I’d call the whole thing off. I love you and want to be with you. You, not her!” She rolled her eyes although she knew he couldn’t see and spoke with a sigh. “You are probably drunk mister, your big day is tomorrow, you should rest.” With that she disconnected the call, threw her phone away and cried herself to sleep.
He got married the next day, relocated and went to pay her a surprise visit 4months later in his old town.

2007
He uncurled her legs from around his waist and went to the bathroom to answer his call. This was unusual. She thought to herself maybe it is from the office. Throwing on his shirt and barely pulling on her panties, she picked up the half eaten can of cheeseballs and snuck into the bathroom. She was going to jump on his gorgeous naked back and give him the fright of his life.
“Baby, I said I don’t want to talk about it. You are not pregnant. We’d see later and we will discuss.”
She blinked; a chill took root in the pit of her stomach and worked its way up her spine. Did she just hear him call someone that was not her baby? The can of cheeseballs slipped from her fingers and fell to the floor. She stormed out of the bathroom tore off his shirt and shrugged into her clothes. She grabbed her bag, bundled out of the apartment and started walking away, not knowing where she was going but sure she wanted to be anywhere but here. She got to the street junction, saw a two-way signpost and realized her vision was blurred. She had been crying.
Looking disheveled and windblown, he caught up with her and forced her into an embrace. “Shit you scared the hell out of me baby. Why did you leave like that? What if you got lost, kidnapped or worse?” She eased out of his embrace. Looked him straight in the eyes and asked. “How long?” he stopped trying to hold her, let his shoulders fall and spoke. “Two years.” She readjusted the straps of her bag, cleared her throat and spoke with a voice devoid of emotion. “Take me home.”

2009
“Not all men are bastards you know.” The other girls stopped their man lashing chatter and stared at her. They knew about her unfortunate history with men. She of all people deserved to call men bastards. She smiled at them, flipped her hair away from her face, picked a brightly colored corsage and spoke. “I like this one.” She was on the bridal train of her former roommate. She was getting married to her ex. He came to drop her off one night after a date and would you believe it? Met his future wife.
She felt betrayed, disillusioned, damaged then she felt free.
She finally understood.
She made up her mind to stop living for society and decided to live for herself. She was going to struggle, achieve and succeed. If she ended up alone but fulfilled and happy then so be it.
She insisted on being on their bridal train – it was the least they both could do. Forgiving as she was, she couldn’t hide the delighted tic she felt when he squirmed and stuttered around her. It didn’t help that she had a ‘rocking’ body and oozed panache.
She was seeing someone who worshiped the ground she walked on. Sometimes she felt overwhelmed by his actions and public display of affection but pushed aside the feeling by saying to herself she deserved it and more. Her phone rang, it was him. Dropping the corsage, she hurried out of the room to answer it and slammed into a moving wall. Her phone fell and hit the marble floor. She was crossed. The wall wasn’t a wall after all. It was a man he stooped down and picked up her phone without a contrite note in his voice he teased. “I usually have that effect on women but I guess your phone would do.” He handed her the phone. “I am Tonye by the way, I believe you are mine. I mean my date”



2013
She bit back tears as he held her hand under the running tap. She closed her eyes and prayed the wound wasn’t deep. There was blood on her wedding band and she really wanted to scream. They couldn’t afford to go to the clinic because all his money and hers were tied up in deals, loans and investments.
They were broke.
He led her to sit on her favorite chair. His usually smiley face was lined with worry she couldn’t help but love him more.
He placed her phone beside her it was blinking; there were two new messages. The first was from an unknown number. It read simply;

“In everything give thanks.
- For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? "Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? "And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?”

The second was a bank alert.
They were going to be ok.
She did not marry when ‘her mates were getting married’, she didn’t marry the most popular, wealthiest or romantic man. She got married when the time was right for her to her friend, ally and lifetime companion.




* This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.