In case of emergency

Hello boys and girls, children and parents and the rest of us who live in our shells.
Welcome to my class.
Today we’d be looking at Murphy’s Law (which happens to be very similar to “being worried from the village”) and how I dealt with it when it appeared the logical thing to do was give up and write to dear John.

According to the phrasing of Edward A. Murphy, “Anything that can go wrong will go wrong."
It could be interpreted in layman's terms as "When shit is bound to happen, it happens in the shittiest of ways."

It takes a typical female between 20 to 45 minutes to wake up, get up from bed, spend quality time in the bathroom (empty bowels, brush tooth, obsess over anatomical flaws and have a shower while pondering over outcomes of issues she cannot necessarily influence), get dressed and be ready for the day.
On average I am able to do all that (including blow a kiss at my reflection #self love before leaving the house) in about 15 minutes.
As a result of this I have time for life’s little pleasures like savoring a warm cup of something while munching on something else, scrolling through my phone and catching up with the news updates, social media and any text messages that might have wandered in while I was away.
Today was business as usual until my flat mate heard me switch on the heater and decided to scurry into the bathroom when my back was turned.

Initially I was like no problem, he’s a guy. Guys don’t have much to do in the bathroom.
In no time he’d be out.

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*

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I thought I could no longer tell time when I caught a glimpse of my wall clock and the hands were indicating 20 minutes had elapsed since I made a first attempt to have a bath.
To be sure I was reading correctly, I checked the time on my mobile phone and pc as well.
I marched to the bathroom door and twisted the handle.
It was locked.

What on earth is he doing in there?

I listened for sounds of distress, notes of a song, the whirr of a clipper... anything that would explain what he was doing in the bathroom for over 20 minutes.

Nothing.

I was not in a good mood.
I considered throwing on clean clothes, splashing on perfume and bouncing out like a boss but my toothbrush was being held captive in the bathroom along with my freedom to bath.

Not having a shower before leaving the house was a small thing but going out without cleaning my mouth is a crime.

He eventually came out and had the audacity to hum happily as he padded to his room.
I had an abbreviated routine and dashed out of the house in a bid to catch the bus.

I saw the bus!

I ran towards the bus stop and watched in horror as it pulled away.
The next one was due in 15 minutes.

I noticed further up the road, the lights had turned red. I figured if I ran like the wind, I would catch up with the bus at the next stop so run I did!
Just as I was getting close enough to signal for the bus to wait, the lights turned red and off it went.
When it happened a second time I gave up and let the bus go.

I was sweating, my ears were ringing and I was out of breath.

My phone beeped.
It was a reminder that I was late. This was turning out to be a very shitty day.
When I got off the bus I eventually caught, I was welcomed by downpour that began as drizzle.
I screamed in annoyance.
I was like “seriously? Really??” I realized then that if I let it, today was going to be a horrible – horrible day.

I stopped walking briskly and took to a leisurely stroll; noticing people, things and the life around me.
Like a sign, I spotted a friend I had not seen in ages. We chatted for a bit and parted ways.
Finally, I was at my destination.
Turned out I was not the only one late.

The high point of the day was going to the laboratory and finding out we were going to be running tests on samples of shit (faeces).
I laughed at the irony.

If I did not choose to dwell on positivity, the rest of my day could have been one misfortune after the other because I believed that because things were going wrong, it was only going to get worse.
This piece is basically a note to self that for every Murphy’s Law, there is a Charlie’s Law, which states; everything turns out right… when you let it.
It is a matter of choice.

Peace!

*ps:
Charlie's Law is from a book by Charles H. Ware titled Murphy's Law Repealed! it includes the following chapters
1. Murphy's Law Repealed!
2. If You Need Something, It Will Come to You
3. When Faced with a Difficult Task, Start
4. Just When You Think You've Run Out of Time, You're Done
5. If at First You Don't Succeed, Relax and You Will
6. You Are the Person You'd Like to Become
7. Everything You Do That Comes From Love, Works
8. When Life Seems Overwhelming, Do Less
9. If You Reach the End of Your Rope, Let Go and Fly
10. When You Choose Peace, You Get Peace
11. Live Each Day as If It Were Your First
12. When You Let Go, You Feel Joy

Throwback Thursday

I woke up feeling rather disoriented by the sound of a man singing “Ello Bae” and some other lines in a serious H-Factored voice. It took a while for me to realize I had accidentally set Falz’s Ello Bae as my alarm ringtone during my sleep induced battle with my mobile phone the night before.

I know I have admitted to having a H-Crush on Falz the Badt guy but when I begin to say things like “ Ello, I hate the bread you left over there, it tasted funny in my mat. His heat still good?” I take it as a sign to 'lean back' and draw the line.

Today’s throwback comes from a day in Two Thousand and Thirteen.

Myself, Amanda and Bumi got together and had one of the craziest, hilariously fun days of my one year sojourn in Ibadan, Oyo state.

The saga began some days earlier when during Community Development Service (CDS) we decided that since a grand tour of the state was not in the portfolio of the mandatory National Youth Service Corps (NYSC), we were going to go exploring on our own.

After choosing Trans Amusement Park as the venue, we started counting up to the D-day.

On getting to the location, I was a little disheartened when I saw the facility, which looked like it must have really been something in its heyday, was now a bit run down.

Not wanting to give in to disappointment, we made the best of what was functional.
By the time we were through exfoliating our butts on the ill maintained slides, willing the Ferris wheel to move and riding the carousel horses that wouldn’t neigh, we were all chuckles and shrieks.

As luck would have it, the rail trains were working so we paid for a turn.
Amanda’s antics (which included shouting “Ajegule! Ajegunle! Next stop “ at the top of her voice like a Lagos bus conductor got the operator in such a good mood that he gave us another ride for free!

We were initially going to end the day by having a go on the swing ride while hoping they didn’t disconnect and break when I noticed a canopy being set up.
We decided then that we were going to gate crash whatever activity it was that they were preparing for and were plotting our game plan when a sole male human dressed in white native attire and a black fila wandered into our midst.
The three of us began talking simultaneously. We spat so many incredible tales that I’m not quite sure which one we stuck to eventually.

In the end, it happened that it was a burial remembrance ceremony we succeeded in gatecrashing. (Free food, yeay!)

It was an upbeat party.
There was highlife music, assorted delicacies and Fayrouz!!
Every now and then, we stood up to embrace a "distant relative" and waved at clueless bystanders who looked a bit familiar.
After mingling with other 'invited guests', the celebrants, and posing for pictures, we opted for a change of scenery and relocated to a trending ice-cream parlor.
The nice team members ignored us while we jumped from seat to seat taking pictures and gorging on ice cream and wafers.
Finished with our sugar rush, we sat by the window and started “man watching”.

Not satisfied with just staring, we tore off pieces of paper and decided to vote on which of the male patrons was the ‘fairest of them all’.
I am pretty sure one or more of the male patrons must have been a tad disconcerted by the scrutinizing looks we gave to them.

After much deliberation and giggling we came up with the 3 finalist and decided it was only fair to let these complete strangers who came out on their own to relax and have fun with their family and friends know that they had been judged and found acceptable.

We proceeded to relay this news.

Our finalist were all bewilderment, smiles and good sports (off course they'd be, cute guys are born that way!)

We took a couple of pictures with our winners, packed up our bits and bobs and called it a day.

I enjoyed my service year.
I ceased the opportunity to celebrate the cultural diversity of Nigeria.
I discovered food recipes, acquired new skills and dropped a few habits.
I had misadventures, epiphanies and made friends that I am still in contact with to date.
Every day of the initial 3 weeks at Iseyin camp brought something exciting different.
Considering the good, the bad and the what-happens-in-Ibadan-stays-in-Ibadan, I can boldly admit that my experience of NYSC was quite close to the original idea.
I believe there is A LOT of room for improvement but No I do not think that NYSC should be scrapped.

For Amanda and Bumi: hey you guys! Thanks for the memories!!

Like fine wine

I make mistakes, I learn from them
with each passing day, my knowledge expands.
Like fine wine I guess, with age I do get better.
Although I can't ever predict what happens tomorrow,
when I am an old woman, I will wear purple!

Technology has become a living being;
it consumes, it adapts it grows.
Working with the advertisement media,
new tech is now a fashion statement.
A need or want? It doesn’t matter you must Buy! Buy!! Buy!

The Earth is finite, its resources, ours to cherish.
Unlike me, it isn’t getting any better with age.
Such ungrateful tenants we are;
burning, reaping, drilling.
Exploiting and forgetting to ask What? Why? How?

Wine is sweet but good health is sweeter.
To live, to laugh and to love,
to look forward to friendship, accomplishments and aging.
To bother about constant indecisiveness over what to wear.
Well, when I’m an old woman I shall wear purple.

Toh bad

Nenye resisted the urge to roll her eyes.
She was on a call with Stacy her best friend whose life was so ‘perfect’ she wondered how they remained friends.

Looking up she noticed the queue for the bus about 400 meters away from her was getting thin she couldn’t wait for her bus to pull up so she could go to her apartment get rid of the many layers of clothes she had decided to wear today and relax with the last can of Gulder she had found in a Nigerian store during her house hunting phase.
She glanced at the bus again. There was something about the bus number that was familiar.
She stared at it for a while before it clicked.
That was her bus! “Stacy I’m going to miss my bus! Talk later, love ya.” Ending the call, she shoved her mobile phone into her handbag, searched blindly for her ticket while running to make it to the bus stop before the driver shut the doors of her ride home.
The last passenger got on. She was half crying half muttering “please don’t go, please don’t go” as she drew nearer. She was so close.
The next bus wasn’t due to come in another 30 minutes and right now she wanted to pee.

She made it! The last passenger smiled at her before going to his seat. He saw her running and deliberately stalled so she could make it. For a moment she was so enthralled by his smile that she forgot to show her ticket. The driver hit the call button to get her attention. Embarrassed, she flashed her ticket and made her way to an empty seat after mouthing thank you to the guy with the lovely smile.
He was handsome, she was in love.

She got to her apartment without incidence and sighed as she opened the door.
For the next 18 months this little space was going to be her home. She hadn't spent up to a month in the town but she was already homesick.
Dropping her bag on her reading table, she padded over to the kitchen in her small studio apartment and brought out the chilled drink from her fridge.
Deciding to make it last, she picked up a bucket of left over chicken from the fridge, emptied it on a plate and popped it into the microwave. When the timer beeped, she carefully picked the plate and placed it on a tray along with the can of Gulder. She slipped into her sandals tray in one hand and opened the back door of the apartment.
She was nibbling the last piece of chicken when she smelled something familiar.
It was menthol flavoured cigarette, it was a smell she associated with a lounge in her home country.
Feeling like a hound, she dropped her tray and started sniffing around for the source.
The trail came to a stop at the fence dividing the apartments. She turned over a bucket, climbed on it and peeped over. "Aha! I've got you!" It was a man with his back turned to her.
The series of events that followed happened so fast, she almost convinced her self it did not happen.

He turned, she gasped, lost her footing and fell from the bucket and landed on her butt.
She heard him walk towards the fence. “Are you okay over there?” His voice brought an image of John Legend serving her breakfast in bed to mind. She nodded, realising he couldn’t see her she managed a squeaked. “I am okay, nothing is broken just my pride.” She heard him laugh and walk away.
She didn’t know what hurt the most. Falling on her butt or finding out the really cute guy from the bus she was now convinced she was in love with lived next door and his first impression of her was a chicken bone carrying clumsy stalker.

Nenye was awake and out of her bed before her alarm went off. She was a girl on a mission.
Today, she decided she was going to ‘accidentally’ bump into her neighbour she had nicknamed Denzel on his way to town.
They were going to engage in a brilliant conversation, ride the bus together, fall in love, get married and have babies with super sexy smiles.

She had carefully picked out what to wear, had her bath and was dressed with her face flawlessly madeup in record time.
Stacy would be proud of her (if not jealous), she looked gorgeous!
On high alert, she had been listening for any sound from next door indicating someone was leaving the building.
Two hours later, no one had opened or closed any door.
Giving up hopes of bumping into today Denzel, she picked her handbag and made her way out of the apartment.
Looking over the low hedge separating their apartments, she noticed a pile of empty cans of bug spray beside the trash can.
She thought to herself "That does not look right." With a shrug, she continued walking and headed to the bus stop.

The day went by in a blur, she kept looking out for Denzel until she was sure her neck was going to break from craning over so many times. She looked and felt tired.
She couldn't wait to peel off her clothes and crawl into bed.
As she searched her bag for her apartment key, she noticed someone had put the empty cans from the morning into the too full refuse bin by the roadside.
There was a tin of what smelled like half empty turpentine and a turned over paint can among the peeping rubble. The mixture was trailing over the side of the bin and flowing down the road to the street. Someone walking by dropped a still lit cigarette on the floor and kept on walking.
It landed on the turpentine-paint trail, she saw a spark.
Without thinking she dropped her bag and grabbed a handful of damp earth.
She imagined the number of explosive items that might have been carelessly thrown in the bin and did not want to lose her house in the event of a fire.
Besides she hadn’t gotten a chance to meet Denzel and have his babies. Speeding over to the front of his apartment, she arrived in time to throw the dirt on the fast burning flame and push the bin away. Unfortunately, in her haste she didn't look at where she put her feet. She slipped on the greasy burnt paint, lost her footing and landed on the concrete floor.

Nenye opened her eyes and grinned sheepishly at the worry lined face of Denzel.
Denzel!
She sat up with a start and yelped in pain. She had hit her head on something when she fell and it ached like crazy.
Denzel was squatted beside her.
He held he reached out to help her sit up. “Are you okay?” She mused. That voice again angry all of a sudden, she frowned and tried to yell as loudly as her aching head would let her which was rather calmly .
“Do I look okay? My head hurts like hell and I am living next door to fire prone people! Who puts ignitable substances in a trash can just like that? Have either you or the arsonist people you live with heard about waste separation and management before?!” The man had the audacity to hide a grin and look cute. “I am sorry about that, I’d speak with my flatmates.”
He handed her handbag and continued looking at her. She scowled. “What?!” “Erm this is going to sound awkward but I’ve been kind of hoping I’d bump into you again since we met on the bus. Do you mind if we go to the clinic to have you checked out and grab a bite or two afterwards?" Just like that all was forgiven. She smiled and muttered. “ Well, it is hard to hold a grudge when a guy offers you food after nearly burning down your house. Help me up.” He helped her to her feet. Within her, beneath the calm exterior she presented to him, she was swinging from vine to vine shouting alleluia at the top of her voice. She was going on a freaking date with Denzel, mission accomplished!

End